Compliments

Posted on October 27, 2016 by kmah88

I remember compliments people give me that meant a lot to me, but they are always the strangest things.

Both of these examples happened 10-15 years ago.

Once, while ringing in a sale, a customer told me I had “shampoo commercial hair”.

Another time, another customer told me as I wrote down her contact information for an item she was looking for, that I had really beautiful writing.

I think I remember the seemingly mundane ones like that forever because, a) those are things I have worked hard at or appreciate about myself too so I felt validated and b) they were sincere. It wasn’t fished for and they were just ‘by the way’ comments. Nothing could be gained in either of these customers favour by telling me.

Another one I will probably remember for a really long time is just recently, a customer (see a pattern here?) said, while on his way out the door, “By the way, you have a really great smile.”

Thanks, dude!

I hadn’t even realized I was smiling.

I feel like there is an important life lesson in that somehow.

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The Dark

Posted on October 27, 2016 by kmah88

Sit in the darkness with me
Don’t be afraid

Nothing lasts forever
And you’ve already survived

There can be beauty here
In the middle of pain

Let it be your muse
Use it for good

Don’t run away
Don’t hide
Don’t pretend it doesn’t exist

The only way is through it
And the light will return

dark.jpg

image from here

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Assult

Posted on October 26, 2016 by kmah88

I had to break up my night into two posts, because the feel of them and the point is completely unrelated… (Read part 1.)

So, I did have a good time at the Sia concert and, on the whole, during the whole night just spending time with Hubby. But the trip home was an entirely different story.

On the way there, our bus had to detour and drop us off at the Port Credit Go station instead of taking us all the way to Union, where we had to transfer to a train for the rest of the way. The ride back, we didn’t have to transfer but we did detour. I don’t know if it was because of the schedule interruption or just a busy Saturday night, but the bus was overcrowded. When we travel anywhere (bus, train, plane, whatever), Hubby and I usually sit together with me in the window seat. He is my buffer. He protects me from the outside world. We didn’t get to sit together on this ride. We were at the back on the line and there were only single seats left. And only aisle seats. This wouldn’t have been that big of a deal but the driver let on more people than there were seats for, so some people stood in the aisles. Lucky me, a rather large couple stood right beside me – or rather, the guy was JUST in front of me, blocking me from Hubby and the girl was right at my shoulder.

I always have my iPod when I’m in this type of setting so I can use headphones to block out the sounds around me but THEY WERE SO LOUD! I don’t think they were realistically speaking that loudly but their conversation took place right beside my left ear. That immediately set me on edge. And then the jostling of the movement of the bus had the girl bumping into me every few seconds. To the people that know me well, you will know this is a horrible thing for me to endure. I cannot stand strangers violating my personal space boundary. It was bad enough that the guy on my right was constantly pressed up against my shoulder, but this chick, repetitively touching me over and over, on my shoulder, my leg…. It was bad.

But… *sigh* It got worse. I guess, for balance, she put her hand on the back of my seat. ON MY HAIR. OMG. I want to be sick just thinking about it. My hair was up that night, in a messy, loose bun. I felt it immediately and tried to pull my head out of her way. I figured she’d realize and move out of the way but she was completely oblivious. And she kept moving and flexing her fingers.

…I want to cry right now, remembering, days after the fact.

I kept trying to move my head back into place. She didn’t move away. I was stuck in this awkward, uncomfortable position, craning my neck away from her, yet pinned to the seat with her finger IN my bun.

I can only describe what happened in my body as a mini panic attack. My heart was racing. I felt cold, yet sweaty. I wanted to scream and rage but it was hard to breathe. Through all of that though, my physical body locked down and I was unable to move. I was seconds away from losing my shit and making a scene in front of a hundred people on the bus. I’m amazed that no ‘crazy person’ sounds came out of me. I guess I huffed a few times though because she seemed to understand all at once and then FINALLY moved her hand out of my hair and a little more to the left.

The bus got less crowded after the first few stops (keep in mind this wasn’t until at least 45 minutes into the trip) and the couple left the aisle. I was relieved but still extremely edgy. I was so angry! It wasn’t just that she was touching me, although that should have been enough to put me in that state. But I was so upset at her inconsideration. How dare she do that to me?! How is someone so oblivious to their surroundings that they don’t notice if they are touching someone else?!?! Not only do I hate it when people touch me, but I hate touching other people. I avoid it. If I unintentionally brush up against someone, I jerk away and apologize. I am mindful that other people might not want me touching them either. It’s polite. It’s considerate.

I thought I would take a few minutes to calm down and everything would be okay. I concentrated on breathing normally, slowing my heart down, focusing on the relaxing music I was listening to, the fact that there was only about another half an hour or so until I was safely off the bus and back with Hubby.

Then we came to another stop and a bunch of people from the back got off. Someone walked past me and I’m pretty sure she had vomited on herself earlier in the evening. *waaaaaah* There are few things worse than the cloying scent of puke. It lingered for the rest of the trip.

The bus ride was a sensory nightmare. Hell. I was in hell.

Not my night.

I was proud of myself for not outwardly having a complete meltdown but it was a very small victory. We got home in one piece. I didn’t (couldn’t) speak in the car on the short ride from the station to our house and Hubby went to bed almost immediately so I wasn’t obligated to have a conversation. I took time for myself just calming myself and trying to relax before I went to bed. I slept all day on Sunday. Still, it took me a few days to fully recover. It’s taken this long to be able to sit down and actually write this, which I don’t entirely understand. I was emotionally overwhelmed and incapable.

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Moved

Posted on October 26, 2016 by kmah88

On Saturday night, Hubby and I made our way downtown to see Sia in concert. I love her and her music. I knew I would enjoy myself, regardless of how the “show” was. Hubby wasn’t as pleased with the experience as I was. He wanted to see her perform. He wanted something he could enjoy without having to think about “what is she trying to say with this?” It was what I could only describe as performance art. She was definitely saying something, even if I didn’t have the frame of reference to fully understand what it was.

The thing about art is that you get to put your own thoughts, beliefs, and experiences on to what you are witnessing and derive your own meaning from it. Intention is only important to some people. Great art, in my opinion, is a ‘take it and make of it what you will’ kind of thing.

Anyway~ that tangent aside, despite the fact that Sia was barely visible throughout and that the interludes in between songs kind of freaked me out a bit, I really enjoyed the concert. What I wasn’t prepared for was how emotional it was!

Being present for live performances is a whole other experience than listening to a recording by yourself. There is a connection you make with the music and the artist, no matter how many other people are there. It sounds so cliché but it’s true. The thing about live music is that the person creating the music is giving a piece of their soul. If you are present to receive it, that’s a blessing.

A few months ago, I wrote a little review of Sia’s latest album, stating that the collection of songs was almost too positive for my taste. I was at a point right then where I couldn’t fully appreciate it. There was a lot of resistance to things with that type of message. I’m not saying that I can now either, BUT on Saturday night, hearing those lyrics with the powerful voice delivering them in person had an effect on me. Not gonna lie – I cried a little bit.  A few times.  It wasn’t even a conscious thought that brought tears. It was just a basic, primitive reaction where my whole body responded to the moment. My rational, thinking brain was actually taken aback. What is happening to me right now?! It was a strange experience but not necessarily a negative one and something I don’t want to just forget about.

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I like that every concert we go to is different. Each band or singer has a different style. They are all enjoyable in their own way.

–

The rest of the night… was another story. I’ll continue that in a different post.

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Zzzzip

Posted on October 25, 2016 by kmah88

The fear I feel about talking on the phone is spreading. Lately, I feel real fear in the prospect of and the act of talking to people face-to-face now too.

I was always pretty proud of my ability to understand people. There have been times I’ve even ‘translated’ someone’s meaning to the person they were speaking to if I felt there was a miscommunication I could help out with. I base this ability not on deciphering another person’s actual words but through inference to what I think they mean.

Lately though, I feel at a loss for at least 25% of what is being said. I hadn’t realized just how much content I was missing. And this is causing me to doubt the parts I feel like I do catch. Who’s to say if what I am inferring from the rest is even correct?

This has been made obvious to me over and over again recently. I work at a restaurant where I am currently the only Caucasian person and one of only a few native English speakers. There is quite a variety of accents heard and varying degrees of English competency. Within the last week alone, there have been three separate “conversations” coworkers had with me where I had literally no clue what they were talking about. Countless more where I only caught the gist.

I guess I’m good enough at faking it to seem like I’m actively participating in a two-way conversation. Either that or my coworkers think I’m an idiot. But I hate it! I feel… unsafe, not having all the information I need. I feel foolish and at risk of being embarrassed. And I feel phony.

More and more often, I’m feeling this way in ALL conversation, not just ones where there is a language barrier. Even with people who are just as proficient in English as I am. And not just with strangers or mild acquaintances, whom I might not understand personally, but with my friends too! I feel like I’m missing something in almost every interaction. Not only am I not feeling understood but I feel I’m failing at understanding. It’s really scary for me.

Disengaging with everyone and not talking at all anymore is starting to seem more like a comforting option.

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My Spirit Home – Part 2

Posted on October 24, 2016 by kmah88

I wrote before about one of the reasons I love Japan – the pursuit of perfection and attention to detail – and why I think that calls to the essence of who I am.

There’s another aspect that has been rolling around in my brain the past day or so since it clicked into place.

The Japanese have been known for being a culture who adapt things from other countries and build on them, making them better, and turning them into something essentially Japanese.

Ramen is one example of that, although I can probably list at least twenty things off the top of my head right now. The origins of ramen comes from China (as do innumerable other now-Japanese things). Without writing an academic paper on it, citing sources, and being really boring, I’ll just say ‘at some point, someone’ brought a noodle dish over from China to Japan and an interest was piqued. Instead of making the dish exactly as it was when introduced, they started to change things here and there – adding toppings, changing the noodles, putting it in soup, etc. – and ended up with ramen as it’s known today, which I think everyone could argue is a very Japanese dish. Iconic, even.

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In fact, almost everything you think of as iconically Japanese could likely be traced back to having origins elsewhere. It’s not that the Japanese people are not original. To me, it’s that the pursuit of perfection through adaptation is more important. Some might say that lacks creativity, but I think it showcases just how creative Japan can be. To just take something as it is, even if it doesn’t quite suit your needs or tastes, is inefficient and sort of pointless really. To see something you like and then make changes to it, keeping what you appreciate and disregarding what doesn’t work for you, adding new ideas, takes innovation.

This has always been something I have admired. I just realized it’s because I do that too. I mean, I knew I did that, but I never really connected my love of Japan to the aspects of myself I actually like. “Borrowing” ideas from other people and tweaking them a bit to suit my own taste is something I’ve always done.

I don’t remember this myself but my mom has told me numerous times that I used to come home with crafts from preschool and reproduce them… only better. I still do that. The two items I sell in my Etsy shop were inspired by things I saw elsewhere but wanted to make myself after tweaking the designs to better suit my aesthetic tastes. My whole personality is based on traits I’ve taken note of in other people and adapted to my own behaviour and character.

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I suppose it makes sense that I identified with the ingrained penchant to borrow and adapt to the point that whatever it is becomes thought of as representative of the whole when I first started learning about Japanese culture and history.

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The Passing of Time

Posted on October 20, 2016 by kmah88

I’ve come to the realization lately that the way I process time is different than other people.

There is a quote Edward says to Bella in New Moon about the Volturi:
“Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days.”

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I used to think I was exceptionally lazy. That could still be true but when it takes me a long time to get around to something, I don’t think laziness is all to be accounted for. Days pass before I think of something I said I would do passes through my mind again, unless I wrote myself a note. Months pass before I get around to non-essential things, like booking appointments or setting up dates with friends. It just took me 3 years to get back to my doctor for a check up. I am the Volturi. The passing of time doesn’t mean the same thing to me.

I realized in high school that I move much slower than most people. I was actually tying my shoes when it clicked. My friend was rushing me and complaining I was always so slow doing everyday things like that. I hadn’t noticed. I thought about it afterwards and correlated it with my mom saying I was late to do a lot of milestone things like walking or being independent in that regard, but that it wasn’t a developmental delay. More that I was just not taking any risk until I was confident in my ability. I think that might be partially correct but I think it’s more than that. I just move at a slower pace.

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My theory about this is how my brain processes things. I’ve been told I “think too much”. Just yesterday, a friend told me I needed to relax and didn’t have to put that much thought into something that wasn’t that important. I kind of laughed to myself. That’s like telling me not to breathe or stop my hair from growing. I don’t think things through for fun. It’s just how it goes. Pondering is an essential part of who I am.

Putting these two things together makes sense. Of course everything I do seems slow to everyone else. It takes time to process everything.

This is not to say AT ALL that I am some sort of calculating genius who sees the ins and outs of every little thing. Opposite actually. I am not great at seeing the big picture. And sometimes, I’m not even present in the moment and paying attention to what I’m doing. I’m not always going over the steps needed to tie my shoes or noting how the laces feel on my fingers or listening to what’s being said to me while I do it, or observing what’s going on around me at the time. I can be oddly unobservant at times.

But I am always thinking about something and I frequently interrupt myself. You might notice this post is a bit disjointed. I started talking about time and moved to thinking. (I also rearranged things as I went to try to make it more cohesive.) That’s my brain. I often set myself off on tangents.

Trying to stay on topic – yeah, so time doesn’t move at the same pace because my brain is trying to catch up with reality. Or something like that.

You know, I started writing this with a solid idea and purpose. Now it’s just a mess.

Meh.

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WTAF

Posted on October 16, 2016 by kmah88

I had another one of those really fucked up dreams last night (or this morning, I guess). It came completely out of nowhere too. I went to bed about 5am and, as usual of course, it took me a long time to fall asleep. I was relatively happy though. I was that nice kind of tired and we had the window open so there was a lovely breeze coming in. It was raining softly and I could hear our next door neighbour’s wind chimes tinkling.

Then I fell asleep and it all went to shit.

I don’t even know if I can accurately describe what happened. I was exactly where I was in reality – lying in my bed, groggy from having drifted off. The light was pretty much the same as it was when I had gone to bed. There was a slight illumination from the moon and the fact that it was almost morning. I was looking at Hubby. I could see that he was dreaming. His eyes were fluttering. All very normal things. I really thought that I had woken up.

Then his eyes did that thing that they do on TV to show REM sleep. They were creepy. I could see the whites of his eyes as the fluttering got worse. Then his face fucking contorted into what I can only describe as horrifying. It was like a scream, but like he was… melting, or something? And his back arched up of the bed but his head stayed back like he was staring at the ceiling, but not seeing it. It was like he was possessed.

Again, I thought I was awake and that this was actually happening, so I did what I would have done had that been the case. I tried to wake him up and comfort him. I moved closer to him and grabbed on to him. I was trying to say something to him but no sound would come out.
Something in my consciousness shifted then. Without thinking it in words, I knew I was dreaming. All of a sudden, I was screaming in my dream-sleep but my mouth wouldn’t move and I couldn’t make sound. Even though Hubby was still freaking me out and oblivious to me anyway, I clung to him. I shook him and tried to speak. I could hear my own thoughts screaming, “Help me! Help me! Help me!” over and over. I put my mouth right next to his ear and hoped he could hear the sound my lips made when they forms the words since no sound was coming out, which was really weird because my mouth was stuck shut. Somehow, my brain registered that both were happening at the same time.

It all sounds so stupid but it was the most terrifying thing ever.

I don’t know if you would consider this a lucid dream. Even though I knew I was dreaming, I had no control over my movements. It was one of those awful dream paralysis things.

It was over pretty quickly. I woke up, as I luckily always do when I’ve been more scared that I can actually handle. But the paralysis part stuck. As I was waking up, I was screaming, but with my mouth closed. Sound was coming out finally but it probably sounded more like groaning. It hurt my throat though. This time Hubby did respond, although – I love you, Hubs, but you SUCK at comforting dream-shaken me when you’re sleeping. Oh well.

So, he’s trying to wake me up, thinking I’m still stuck in my dream, but really I was stuck in being awake and unable to move or open my mouth. The sounds I made got louder and louder and eventually the hold on my body was released and my mouth opened and I immediately began sobbing hysterically. Those sobs that wrack your whole body and tears exploded everywhere. It was a few minutes before I got a handle on myself.

The whole thing was disturbing.

I looked at the clock when I finally calmed and lay back down to try to go back to sleep again. Less than an hour had past since I had fallen asleep. For fucks sake.

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Remember Me?

Posted on October 14, 2016 by kmah88

I’m the girl whose heart you broke.

I’m the girl whose confidence you smashed.

I’m the girl whose worth you crushed.

I wonder if you know that.

I wonder if you’re sorry.

–

Note: I just found this in a batch of drafts that I’ve been posting ranging all over the past 3 years. I have no idea when I wrote it – sometime within that time frame. There is no date. But I DO know exactly who I wrote it to.

*Later Note: I just found it on my Twitter feed. I guess I wrote it September 26, 2015. I do remember that it was when I was reading a particular TwiFic about a high school couple who’s sole form of communication was through notes – just like me and the guy this was written for. 

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Why?

Posted on October 13, 2016 by kmah88

1. Are looks important in a relationship?
Unfortunately, yes. I’d like to be the evolved type of person who says that I could be in a relationship based only upon the other person’s worth as a soul, but I’d be lying. I’m shallow like that.

2. Are relationships ever worth it?
What? What jaded teenager wrote this?

3. Are you a virgin?
Obviously not.

4. Are you in a relationship?
Obviously.

5. Are you in love?
For now.

6. Are you single this year?
LOL. Seriously, what?

7. Can you commit to one person?
I can ONLY commit to one person. I can barely maintain friendships because I can only focus on one personal relationship at a time.

8. Describe your crush.

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9. Describe your perfect mate.

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10. Do you believe in love at first sight?
No. Doesn’t exist. I believe in instant connection but love entails knowing someone.

11. Do you ever want to get married?
I am married.

12. Do you forgive betrayal?
You have to be able to forgive some forms of betrayal. It’s unrealistic to think no one will ever betray you at all. There is a line, of course. I couldn’t tell you what that line is. I’m lucky enough to not have any major incidences of being betrayed sticking in my mind. Everything I can think of right now is fairly petty.

13. Do you get jealous easily?
Not really.
(Note: I may conflictingly answer this later on. Keep reading.)

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?
If I already described my “crush”, that would mean I have one, right?
I actually have lots. Not crushes in the sense of someone I want to be in a romantic/sexual relationship with, but I have crushes on talent, crushes on intellect, crushes on style… I think of elevated admiration as a crush.

15. Do you have any piercings?
8 (+1 grown over)

16. Do you have any tattoos?
9

17. Do you like kissing in public?
I like the idea of kissing but not actually doing it. It’s… germy.

18. Do you shower every day?
Uh… maybe not.

19. Do you think someone has feelings for you?
Hubby does. I don’t really want to think of anyone else thinking of me in a romantic way. That makes me uncomfortable.

20. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
I’d have no way of knowing so it’s not something I think about. Speculation is rather pointless.

21. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
*snort*

22. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
If I’m still alive in 5 years, yes, I think we will still be married.

23. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?
huff

24. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
Maybe. Can’t remember.

25. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?
Hubby wrote me a dirty limerick once.

26. Have you ever been cheated on?
Sort of.

27. Have you ever cheated on someone?
Nope.

28. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?
Yes, I was convinced I’d get a nose job someday at one point. But it costs too much and I didn’t want to end up worse off than I already am. Hubby has bad breathing troubles and I really don’t want that. My big nose works perfectly fine.

29. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?
These questions, as with most quizzes, are stupid. Who hasn’t?

30. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?
In high school, I was the queen of unrequited love. I based my identity on it.

31. Have you ever had sex with a man?
Duh.

32. Have you ever had sex with a woman?
No.

33. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
Hubby is 4 years older than me.

34. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?
Not in a romantic way. Thankfully. That would cripple me.

35. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
Not to my recollection or knowledge.

36. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
I don’t understand this question. Do people develop premeditated feelings for someone? Do they pick someone out specifically and then start liking them afterwards?

37. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
See the answer to question 30.

38. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?
For someone? No. About someone? Yes.

39. Have you had sex so far this year?
Hahahahahaha. I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW!

40. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?
OMG.

41. How long was your longest relationship?
Hubby and I just had our 16 year anniversary a few weeks ago. (Dating, not married.)

42. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?
3?

43. How many people did you kiss in 2012/2013?
Just the one.

44. How many times did you have sex last year?
I didn’t count.

45. How old are you?
I’m 36. Why do I fill these out? I’m not entirely sure.

46. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
Are you supposed to say something?

47. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?
My favourite thing about my husband is his dorkiness. He’s a funny, cute guy.

48. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
I am not sure who I should consider “my first love”. One guy sticks out in my mind so I’ll go with that… I’m not sure that he has much to apologize for, but of course I’d accept it. I hold no bad feelings about him anymore.
Oh, I didn’t see the “true” qualifier in there. There was no TRUE love before Hubby. I’m not being cheesy and romantic. Just truthful.

49. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?
Nope. I’m selfish. Haha. I would do anything Hubby really needed.

50. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?
I give up on people all the time. I’m not entirely sure why I do it. If I ever talk to a shrink about it, I’ll let you know. My current, self-deprecating habits say it’s because I’m too lazy to put the effort into relationships. Or I get bored easily.
I realize the person who wrote this means romantically. In that case, no. I’m a ‘go down with the ship’ kind of person.

51. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?
Hahaha. High school was a great time, wasn’t it? Remember back when things like that mattered?

52. Is there someone you will never forget?
I remember people much better than the majority. I remember most people I meet. If I get to know them, I will never forget anyone.

53. Share a relationship story.
Here.

54. State 8 facts about your body.
Facts? Uhhhh…
I’m female.
I’m Caucasian.
I have greenish blue eyes.
My hands and feet are identical to my mother’s (and my grandfather’s) but smaller.
I have a “vampire slayer mark”.
My hair is naturally light brown and relatively straight.
I currently weigh 3 pounds less than the heaviest I’ve ever been.
When I was a young teenager, I used to wish and pray that I had big boobs. That desire blew up in my face. Almost literally.

55. Things you want to say to an ex.
I don’t really have any exes and I have nothing I would need to say to any of them. They were all nice guys. Some of them are doing well and happy in their lives. (I know. We’re Facebook friends. Haha.)

56. What are five ways to win your heart?
Be weird.
Be funny.
Be genuine.
Be talented.
Be sweet without being cheesy or over the top.

57. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)
Read this instead.

58. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?
See answer 33. By “partners”, I assume you mean dating. The rest were all my age or within a year or so.

59. What is the first thing you notice in someone?
Whatever feature is most prominent, I guess. The first thing to make a lasting impression though, is probably someone’s sense of humour or how “unique” they are (or aren’t).

60. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?
Uhhhhhh… I’m all for spouting personal information but that’s not something I feel the need to share.

61. What is your definition of “having sex”?
I just LOL’ed.

62. What is your definition of cheating?
Okay, now I understand what the last question was getting at. I guess technical cheating would be any sexual acts or kissing another person. But I’d still feel cheated on if Hubby were to have an intimate emotional relationship with someone else too. Simple desire for another person would hurt me.

63. What is your favourite foreplay routine?
Wow. I’ve NEVER come across one of these things that had multiple questions I didn’t want to answer. That’s a first.

64. What is your favourite roleplay?
I’m not into roleplay. It’s cheesy. …Cosplay is a whole other thing though. Hahaha.

65. What is your idea of the perfect date?
Exploring someplace cool, live music, tasty food/treats, and good conversation.

66. What is your sexual orientation?
Undetermined? Ha. It’s a fluid scale.

67. What turns you off?
Sooooooo many things! Most things.

68. What turns you on?
Very specific things. Certain sounds, smells, visuals…

69. What was your kinkiest wet dream?
I don’t know what other people would consider kinky. And I don’t actually dream about sex much. And when I do, things are …left hanging, so “wet” dream doesn’t apply.
One time, I did dream out this crazy plot involving alien, serpent-like creatures with multiple penis ‘bouquets’ and vaginal channels…. It was fucking bizarre. It would have made a great fantasy porn.

70. What words do you like to hear during sex?
I don’t like much talking. I like it if it’s subtle and … quiet? Maybe restrained is the better descriptor. Not particular words. Tone is much more important. I am very into certain sounds though, as I already mentioned.
But if anyone were ever to say “fuck yeah” to me during sex, I would pull away so fucking fast!

71. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?
Rub my feet. Hahaha.

72. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?
Nice teeth. Good grammar.

73. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?
Hubby does sweet things for me all the time. I can’t pinpoint one as “the sweetest”. Maybe establishing an annual ‘spoil kmah day’? (It’s October 6th, if you’re wondering. My mom’s birthday. LOL.)

74. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?
Hahahahahahaha. I didn’t know so I just asked Hubby. He said when I shovelled a dead rabbit into a garbage bag and disposed of it because he was too scared to.

75. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?
I don’t think I really have opinions about it. I would assume it would come with difficulties when one person has way more life experience than the other, but age isn’t necessarily an indicator of that.

76. What’s your dirtiest secret?
I’m not answering that either. Secrets are secret for a reason.

77. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?
I’m wary of the word ‘jealous’. Jealously connotes begrudging someone what they have or the happiness. I don’t do that. But I frequently wish I could have something or do something that other people have almost daily. That’s normal, I think. The last time, specifically… probably just recently when several of my friends got together and went on a road trip and I couldn’t make it. I really would have loved to join them.
*When it comes to Hubby, which is what that earlier question was getting at I think, I very rarely get jealous, if at all. He is 100% trustworthy so other people don’t matter much.

78. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
10 seconds? 30 seconds? Haha. Just now.

79. Who are five people you find attractive?
Rob, Chris Wood, Matt Lanter, Cam Gigandet, Donnie Yen (I bumped Stephen James awhile ago.)

list-of-5

80. Who is the last person you hugged?
Hubby, obviously.
Wait. Actually maybe it was Vee. Haha.

81. Who was your first kiss with?
Mike/Fox

82. Why did your last relationship fail?
He slept with his ex-girlfriend and moved away to college and didn’t call me for 3 weeks with his new number and, in that time, slept with (and impregnated) someone else. AKA “he just wasn’t that into” me.

83. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?
3 years ago, I would have said yes, unequivocally. Now, I’d say no. I don’t trust people online. If we met online and formed a bond that way and then met in person, I wouldn’t turn them down just because our origins were online. You know, hypothetically, of course, since… married.

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