A Somewhat Happy Update

In August, I went to visit my family. The reasons weren’t the happiest – apart from the fact that I hadn’t seen them since before my trip to Japan in 2019/pre-pandemic, my mom was recently given a cancer diagnosis and I wanted to be able to spend some time with her – but there was a positive outcome.

As I was sitting in the living room looking through old photo albums while my mom sat on the couch reading a book, I was twirling my hair round and round my fingers, over and over, for a substantial amount of time. I do this after I blow dry my hair to reduce the frizzyness and bring out some natural waves. I hadn’t even realized my mom was watching me.

Out of nowhere she said, “I read something about ADHD recently (she actually said ADD but that term is long-outdated) and how it’s different in presentation for girls than it is for boys and one of the things they mentioned was fidgeting, like twirling their hair.” (I am just now remembering that my granny used to call me Miss Fidget and complain that I never sat still…)

She went on to say how my dad had been put on ADHD meds (or what the equivalent would have been in the 1950’s) when he was really young because his mother (the very same Granny I just mentioned) couldn’t handle him. She also said this piece she read mentioned the possibilities of a genetic component.

My immediate instinct was to correct her and defend my reason for twirling my hair – but this was a golden opportunity I couldn’t pass up. I was floored. Here I was, always trying to find a way to brooch the subject of my neurodiversity to my parents for the past 6 years, and she beat me to it!

I laughed and said I knew all about it. And something along the lines of right family of brain differences, wrong specific diagnosis. (Little did I know at the time… But more about the additional possibility of ADHD another time.)

I was vague in a lot of my responses and sharing of my experience, not saying “autism” directly but we talked about my life, how things were for me growing up, how I still struggle with things now, etc. It was a nice few days where I felt this thing was just known about me now, out in the open. And that felt really good. And validating.

The most amusing part of this conversation to me was that she was attributing me being ND exclusively to my dad. She didn’t think SHE had any contribution to it at all! Which… if you know my mother, is kind of hilarious. I’m not saying that she definitely IS autistic herself, but she sure does have a lot of qualities.

I always felt I had inherited most of my traits from my mom. We are a lot alike in many ways. I never really considered my dad as a factor in my neurodiverse make-up. The more I am learning about ADHD and reconciling that with what I know or am uncovering about myself lately, the more I see I am, in fact, quite the blend of the two of them. Go figure.

I also got to spend more time with my sister than I usually do on visits to see my family. That is always a treat. My sister is one of my very favourite human beings! All week, there were tentative mentions of difficulties or differences I experience in life and talk about other family members that display similar things. She was even the one to use the word neurodivergent first. (Again, my family doesn’t seem quite ready to use the word autism freely. It has a lot of stigma and feels very heavy, but…. I am determined that we will all get there at some point.)

We had an especially good conversation when we were out for lunch before she dropped me back off at the airport. While we were talking over sushi, I told her I had suspected autism of myself several years ago and showed her that list of traits that I posted here ages ago. I told her that I suspect neurodiversity runs in our family to varying degrees. Even she has some ADHD traits, although I’m not sure if they would add up to a diagnosis. She read through it and determined that wasn’t her. I agree with that. She’s not autistic. But I think she could see that it could fit me.

Similarly to my husband, I don’t think it matters either way to her. Autistic or not, I am who I am and they love me and will treat me according to the individual that I am.

In the back of my mind, I think I always worried that, once the words were out there, my family would see me or treat me differently. Like I was less than or defective in some way they hadn’t seen before. I felt that they would think of me in an infantilizing way now. Thankfully, that hasn’t been the case so far. I think, because we do all share a lot of traits, there is more understanding than I was expecting. And maybe it’s because there actually IS more general knowledge and acceptance of neurodivergent ways of being out there now than there was even just a few years ago. (I mean, if my 74-year-old mother is equipped with up-to-date knowledge, we’re doing pretty good!)

Either way, I’m feeling both grateful and hopeful.

This is an update from this post, where things were looking bleak in regards to ever being able to be open with my family about being autistic/neurodivergent.

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Dreading the Dentist

Since I’m taking my year off from pressuring myself to keep up with social media, I quickly fall behind on the accounts that I enjoy. So, I did a little catch up today and came across this post that is already a month old, and I had thoughts.

🥺🥺🥺 I cried reading this.

I have not been to the dentist in probably 7+ years.

My dad was my dentist and my sister was his dental assistant but he has now retired and she has changed jobs. (They also live 1,500 km away from me, so even when going to my dad was an option, it was still only once every few years or so.)

My dad was “difficult” – an old-school dentist, raised by a militant father and learned his vocation in the late 60s, so he didn’t ever want to “coddle” anyone (AKA accommodate their sensitives) BUT… he’s my dad, so I was still infinitely more comfortable with him than I would have been with a stranger. And once my sister joined his team, he made a lot of changes in regards to how he treated me as his patient.

Going to the dentist is nerve-wracking for ANY person. Even more so for anyone who is neurodivergent. The sounds, the smells, the strangers all up in your face, the possibility of pain, the loss of control over your environment, and of course, the stress of having to allow intimate access to your internal body (ie. your mouth hole. Yikes!). You are in a vulnerable position.

I deal with all of that apprehension but my BIGGEST fear about going to see a dentist is not being able to breathe and fluids going down my throat. I avoid breathing through my nose in almost all public situations because I have so many smell-related sensory issues. But you HAVE to breathe through your nose when someone is occupying your oral cavity! After years of just crying and gagging through appointments and my dad being super frustrated with me, my sister’s inclusion helped us realize that if I could just be the one to be in charge of the spit-sucker-upper hose thing, holding it and aiming it where I thought I needed it most in my mouth, it made a HUGE difference.

We also worked out a way for me to non-verbally signal to them (tapping my sister’s arm) when I felt I needed to sit up and they would stop working for a moment so that I take a few deep breaths before lying back down and continuing.

There are a few often-repeated tips for ND patients heading in to see their dentist to make their appointments a little less traumatizing. And I have a few of my own I’ve used from my own experiences.

Many people suggest wearing noise cancelling headphones during dental visits. For regular check-ups and cleanings, this is a great idea. However, for more complicated procedures such as cavity fillings or root canals, the dentist or assistant may need to speak directly to you to give yo directions or check in on your sensations – so you need to be able to hear them. In that case, I recommend watching a movie on your phone or asking them to turn their music up to drown out some of the anxiety-inducing noise.

Some noises, however, are INSIDE your head. Literally. When they are drilling into your teeth, no amount of noise cancelling can get rid of that. And it’s a scary sound. In that case, some of the other advice I’ve come across suggests asking for them to put one of the x-ray aprons on you to act as a weighted blanket, hold a little soft stuffie for comfort, have a partner, friend, parent or carer to sit with you, and ask the dental assistant to keep you updated on how much longer it will take and, if the information helps you, explain exactly what they are doing.

Fidget toys can be good for basic appointments but during delicate procedures, they need you to lie as still as possible. (My dad’s assistants actually started putting that weighted apron over my legs without me even asking for it because my legs shake when I’m extremely anxious. The weight helped to subdue my involuntary movements). So the x-ray apron may be helpful to other people for that purpose as well.

The light that dentists shine directly at you so they can see clearly into your mouth is also something that has always caused me great difficulty. They usually give you a pair of sunglasses-type shields but I never liked them because they were A) inadequate, hardly blocking anything, and B) worn by other people. Gross. So I prefer to bring my own.

I’ve also been known to take a couple fast-releasing anxiety pills before my appointment starts. No shame in medicating to help you get through it! (Do so with a prescriber’s approval please.)

I also like the idea of getting a treat after you are finished. They usually advise you not to eat or drink anything a couple hours after your appointment – and if you’ve had a filling done, your mouth might be frozen for several hours as well – but a new stuffie or stim toy or book or… anything you want really would be great!

Ollie’s post gives me hope. 🥰🥲 It seems like things in the dentistry field may be changing a little and it may be easier to find professionals who understand how to help people with diverse needs – and perhaps even one day the environment of dental offices in general won’t be such a nightmare in themselves.

What would a calm, relaxing, pleasant dental office look like to you?

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Slow Jams

a Playlist by kmah88~

This one dates back to the first few years of the new millenium. The first “volume” was created in 2000 by my co-worker, Sheryl, when I worked at the Levi’s Store in Winnipeg. She’d play it while we were working and I became obsessed with it so she ‘taped’ it for me and named it after me.

I continued with the same theme/feel over the next few years to create the subsequent volumes, with a lot of input from another co-worker, Allison, at Below the Belt. (There was supposed to be a Vol. 4 & 5, but I never got around to narrowing down the track order. Maybe later, I’ll add them at the end alphabetically.)

Whenever I listen to this playlist now, I’m hit was a massive wave of nostalgia for that time. The early 2000’s was a great era for me. (It’s when I met Hubby! ❤ )

Sharp eyes may notice… Kai was my favourite group at the time.

Vol. 1

1. Nsync – This I Promise You
2. Kai – Say You’ll Stay
3. Joe & Nsync – I Believe in You
4. Kai – Every Little Thing
5. Christina Aguilera – Blessed
6. Keith Martin – Because of You
7. Kai – Promise
8. K-Ci & JoJo – All My Life
9. Marc Dorsey – Crave
10. Beyoncé & Marc Nelson – After All Is Said and Done
11. My Town – Now That I Found You
12. K-Ci & JoJo – Tell Me It’s Real
13. Dru Hill – Angel
14. Joe – I Wanna Know
15. Sisqo – Incomplete
16. LFO – I Don’t Want to Kiss You Goodnight

Vol. 2

1. Aaliyah – Turn the Page
2. Kai – It Might Be You
3. B4-4 – Endlessly
4. Boyz II Men – Just Hold On
5. Nu Flavor – Three Little Words
6. Profyle – Whipsers in the Dark
7. Jesse Powell – You (From This Day Forward)
8. Blaque – When the Last Teardrop Falls
9. Uncle Sam – When I See You Smile
10. Kai – I Wanna Be Your Man
11. Shades – How Deep Is Your Love
12. BLACKstreet – In a Rush (feat. Stevie Wonder)
13. Kiss – Without You
14. Drop N’ Harmony – Because I Love You
15. Shades – Serenade
16. Kai – Goodbye in Your Eyes
17. Drop N’ Harmony – Anything (Acapella Version)

Vol. 3

1. Babyface – Everytime I Close My Eyes (feat. Mariah Carey)
2. B2K – Why I Love You
3. Aaliyah – The One I Gave My Heart To
4. Kai – Count on My Love
5. Devine – Lately
6. Usher – Can U Help Me
7. Janet Jackson – Let’s Wait Awhile
8. Damage – Forever
9. Usher – Slow Jam (feat. Monica)
10. Deborah Cox – Nobody’s Supposed to Be Here
11. Justin Timberlake – Never Again
12. IMx – Beautiful (You Are)
13. 702 – Don’t Go Breaking My Heart
14. RL – Good Man
15. Allure – All Cried Out (feat. 112)
16. Kai – Will You Still Love Me
17. Monica – Right Here Waiting (feat. 112)

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I have always been drawn to things of an unusual psychological nature. When I was in my early years of high school, my best friend and I liked to find books dealing with characters with “problems”. I remember reading several books; one about a little boy who was abused and played with poop, another about a young preteen girl addicted to cocaine, another about a 16 year old girl who suffered from anorexia and tried to commit suicide. I was always fascinated by these stories. I even wanted to eventually study abnormal psychology when I finally made it to university.

There was one book in particular that made a huge impression. My best friend read it first and then told me I should because it was bound to be something I’d like. It was called Nobody Nowhere. (Perhaps you’ve heard of it. 🙂 )

Of all the books I had read dealing with people with problems, disturbed people, people on the fringes of society, etc., I had never really identified with any of them. Just been morbidly curious, I suppose.

Then I read this one and all of sudden, I had this inkling of recognition. My life was nothing like the person in the book (an autobiography) but certain things she described sounded intimately familiar. I remember one part in particular, when she describes being able to see air particles. I was struck with the thought, doesn’t everyone see air? I asked my friend. She did that scoffing thing that people seem to do when they aren’t sure whether or not you’re trying to be funny or if you really mean what you’re saying. It turned out, no, people can’t see air.  Dummy.

But I could.

There were other things that I understood from personal experience too. (I’m going to have to get my hands on a copy of the book and read it again.) I felt that it was a ridiculous idea, but I wondered if I was autistic too or if I had been as a child and grew out of it. (I knew absolutely nothing about autism at that time. I don’t think anyone really did.) I wasn’t like the author. I was verbal. I performed in school. I communicated well enough. I behaved… mostly. So how could I have been autistic?

I even wrote my friend a note in the middle of class asking her if she ever thought she might be autistic too. Again, she laughed at me and said no. I let it go, but kept the idea in the back of my head.

Years later, I was in college, taking a Special Needs class for my Early Childhood Education diploma and my group was assigned our study project on PDD-NOS, then considered a subset diagnosis of autism. (I can’t remember now if I personally chose it or it if it was assigned randomly. Probably the former.) Again, I didn’t think I had that but I felt a familiarity with the symptomology. I felt a kinship with these kids that have such a hard time being in a world that doesn’t accommodate their unique needs.

I thought maybe I’m just really understanding of children and the sensitivities that come along with not being able to communicate what bothers you in an adult way. I could totally get why a child might freak out if the lights were making a buzzing sound. Why moving from one activity to another might be extremely difficult. Why sudden loud noises might make someone cry. Why flapping their hands or repeating a phrase over and over might be comforting. Maybe I was just a compassionate educator. Or maybe it was because I understood exactly how that must feel because I’d felt it too.

When I was working at a preschool before I went to college, there was a little boy in my classroom who was probably autistic, although he was undiagnosed at the time so I can’t say for sure. He had a case worker that came in to observe him so that the teachers could tailor an IPP for him. She came up to me after one interaction in particular and said that what I had done and the way I spoke to him were perfect and exactly what we should be doing. It was something like reinforcing some vocabulary or something like that. (He was almost 3 and non-verbal.)  I was surprised. I didn’t realize I had even done anything. She told me the way I was with him was probably instinctive and I was lucky that I didn’t need to be taught that. (His parents later pulled him out of the school after a falling out with the owner and other staff. I was so sad to see him go. I could see him learning and growing and being happy, but I guess no one else did. I always wonder what happened to him and hope he found a more supportive situation.)

Around the time I was in college, I met a woman who has a child who, again, is most likely on the spectrum somehow but doesn’t have formal diagnosis. She would tell me stories of the quirky things her kid did or of how difficult it could be at times to understand her child. Instead of sympathizing with her, I always felt for the kid instead. I could see where the behaviour was coming from or what it meant but I didn’t feel like it was my place to tell this woman how to relate to her child. Who was I to do that?

After all of these near-misses with getting to know what autism is, it never truly occurred to me that the real reason I recognized behaviours and felt that familiarity was because I too am autistic.

It was like a chimpanzee looking into a mirror and not realizing the reflection is himself.


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I made this one for my friend Geena when she was going through a break-up. It was… maybe 2002-ish? I burned it on a CD for her but didn’t keep a copy for myself (pre-iTunes). I had a vague list written in a notebook but some of the titles and artists I was unsure of. I since found out what all but one song was. I remember that originally, track 5 was something else. All I know were the lyrics, “who are you? who are you?” It was from the late 90’s. Some R&B girl group. I liked it and I wish I knew what it was. (Both JoJo songs were a later addition to the playlist.)

I asked Geena several years ago if she still had that CD. She said she remembered it but it was lost in the move from her parents’ house.

a Playlist by kmah88~

1. Erykah Badu – Tyrone
2. Changing Faces – G.H.E.T.T.O.U.T.
3. Aaliyah – I Refuse
4. Tamia – Stranger in My House
5. JoJo – Too Little Too Late
6. Kelis – Caught Out There
7. Monica – Gon’ Be Fine (feat. OutKast)
8. Sparkle – Be Careful (feat. R. Kelly)
9. Whitney Houston – Tell Me No
10. Blu Cantrell – Hit Em Up Style (Oops!)
11. Deborah Cox – Absolutely Not
12. Kandi – Don’t Think I’m Not
13. Mariah Carey – Someday
14. Olivia – Bizounce
15. Aaliyah – Never No More
16. Sunshine Anderson – Heard It All Before
17. Kandi – What I’m Gone Do to You
18. Blaque – Can’t Get It Back
19. Tamia – Can’t Go for That
20. JoJo – Leave (Get Out)
* Changing Faces – G.H.E.T.T.O.U.T., Part 2
*Olivia – Bizounce (Dirty Version)

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Just Follow the Rules!

It bothers me that the newer (young) employees at my job don’t do things correctly, such as consistently prepare THREE napkins for each pile to put in the customer’s bag. Sometimes they do three, sometime four, or two, or *gasp*… one! I was scolding myself for getting upset about it and for wasting my time redoing the piles. As I do, I asked myself why? Why does it bother me? Why am I bothered about being bothered?

Since learning about autism and how every little thing that goes through my head seems to stem from that, now I grasp pretty quickly that is the reason for most things. I realized that I was upset because… I’m autistic. Adherence to rules or ‘the way things should be’ is a sticky point for me. I TRY to “let it go”, but I am immensely irked when other’s don’t follow the rules.

Maybe more than I “should” be?

Ah, there is the answer to the second part. Before, not knowing I was autistic and what that meant for me put a lot of shame on my shoulders for acting or thinking in a way that is not within my control. The rigidity is not “wrong” – it just is. I’m learning to accept it and deal. Being upset at myself for those things is a habit I’m now consciously trying to break. I need to rewrite those programmed reactions.

So, that part of the question was answered and easy enough to move on from, but as I stood there, counting out napkins (3, 3, 3, 3, 3…), I felt just saying ‘I’m autistic’ wasn’t a full answer to why it bothers me when they do those things. Why does not following the proper method of doing something annoy an autistic person? We like rules, methodology, routine and ritual, but why?

I read an explanation once that suggested it was a way to maintain control over something in a world where we have so little control over the things that affect us. The same reason autistic people stim to counteract negative stimuli. For balance. That makes sense and is true to an extent, but it’s more than that too.

I think I understand it. It’s one of those things I’ve always know but never had the language for.

Allow me to digress briefly…

I remember back in school, and you probably do too, many fellow students complaining about learning math that we would “never have to use in real life”. It confused me that they said that. Did they really think it or was that just something kids say and have said forever? It’s not a unique thought by any means so were they saying it to be funny or did they just hear it somewhere else and think they had thought it themselves or that since other people said it, it must be true? Did they say it because it was just one of those things everybody says? (Which is a behaviour I HATE, by the way.)  I didn’t understand it because even though, yeah, we will never use algebraic equations to make a pot of coffee or change a tire, I understood why we needed to learn it.


I have a memory of being about thirteen years old and trying to explain it to some moron in my class who protested Pythagoras. I told him that by learning these things, we were training our brains to reason more effectively, exercising a muscle, learning problem solving skills that would definitely be needed in our adults lives. (Probably not those words exactly.) He just looked at me funny and continued to lament to our exasperated teacher – who I might add told him, no, you won’t need this information in the future but you have to learn it anyway. Thanks for backing me up, Teach! (Also an idiot.) I was flabbergasted that not only this dumb kid didn’t get it, but the university-educated teacher didn’t seem to either. No one had needed to tell me. I just knew.

Back to the napkins, it’s kind of the same thing. In the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t matter if a customer gets 4 napkins instead of 3. One extra here and there isn’t going to break the bank for my boss’s livelihood. 2 instead of 3, the customer probably won’t complain he or she didn’t get enough. Even 1, it’s unlikely Mr. Medium Chicken-No Veggies-Extra Sauce is having an important meeting right after lunch and can’t find adequate paper products to wipe his mouth sufficiently after eating. No, but we put three napkins in a pile, ready to give the customer with a fork for their order to make a good habit. We do 3, 3, 3, 3 without thinking, on autopilot, along with an extensive list of other seemingly arbitrary actions, because when it’s busy, we don’t have the time to think all these things through. We just do it. Many tiny parts keep the larger machine running smoothly.

And for myself, I need to have rules, methodology, routine and rituals in place for the days when it’s not just the world but me that is out of control. For the days I am at my limit and I lose the ability to control my actions and thoughts. On those days, I can’t think about what I need to be doing to stop my whole existence from falling apart. I need to ingrain these mundane habits in myself, rigidly, because my executive functioning (that language I didn’t have before) sucks and I rely on autopilot behaviours to not be in constant chaos.


(written sometime in late 2016)

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The Feeling of Words

I love words because they are so intensely personal. Sometimes I can intelligently discuss what a particular word means to me. Other times, I can only FEEL a word.

I’m thinking right now about the word “quirky”.  A lot of autistic people dislike the term because we are often labelled as such before diagnosis as a way of explaining our atypical behaviour. It’s true. I was. Self-described, even. But I’ve always liked it. Yes, I AM quirky and I’ve long thought that it is one of my best traits.

I read this blog post and tried come up with my own definition of the word. I think I came up with something coherent enough to give someone else the general idea of what it means to me, but without entering my mind and having all my experiences as a frame of reference, I could never do the whole picture justice. It’s just something I feel.

That got me thinking as well – how DO I feel the word? It’s not just emotional feelings either. Being an associative/visual thinker, I… feel it’s shape too. That sounds strange, I would assume especially to those that don’t think the same way I do. (Does anyone?) I don’t have language to convey it appropriately, but I can tell you that when I see the word quirky in my mind’s eye, it appears quirky-looking. Best description I can give is “colourful” and “sort of like Curlz font”.


Quirky is beautiful.

My personal definition had the idea of intrigue or mystery in it. Like, someone who is quirky has a draw to them that makes you want to learn more.

Some other thoughts on my definition: I disagree with the author of that post that someone who is quirky is “purposefully weird”. I think quirks are inherent and not intentional or something you can fake. I think being quirky is all the more endearing because it’s not on purpose. It can’t be helped.

My definition also has the idea of self-acceptance baked into it. Maybe you could ignore your quirks but you’re totally fine with them and don’t feel the need to suppress them. I love that and aspire to be the best quirky I can be.

All of that said, I totally understand the other side. Maybe because I don’t yet have that diagnosis to claim as my own, quirky is the best I can do. Maybe because I wasn’t diagnosed as a child and had to endure “quiet hands“, I don’t have the negative connotations other people  might. Being called quirky as a child gave me the freedom to be more me. When I did something ‘unusual’, someone would chalk it up to a quirk and let me be.


The one thing I don’t like about the word quirky is that every time I try to type it, I accidentally hit w instead of q and have to go back and fix it. Argh.

(written sometime in late 2016)

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My Superpower

Sometimes, autism is my favourite thing about me.

I LIKE that I’m “picky”. I prefer to think of it as discerning. I have great taste. And I think about everything very thoroughly. I don’t do things for no reason. I test things out and form my opinions based on the very best.

I wish all people were like that!

Another characteristic I like is my sense of space. I can’t really explain it to people that don’t see the world the same way I do. All I can say is that physical environment and where I am in space is super important to me. The hyperfocus allows me to remember settings very well. I can be your tour guide! Haha. It might be a weird thing to be proud of but when someone compliments me on my ability to remember direction or orientation or is impressed by it, it makes me happy.

The other aspect I enjoy for myself but desperately wish I could share with other people is my rich inner life. There are literally thousands of images and feelings swirling around in my brain constantly. It provides me joy and comfort and I want to be able to give that to others too. Alas, I am no Tim Burton or Miyazaki or Mozart or~ (ad nauseum of people I admire for their talent) and it all remains locked up inside me for only me to know.  Pity.

I wish I could take a peak inside Hayao Miyazaki’s mind.

There are obviously the really sucky things about being autistic, but it’s not all bad.

There is a quote I read from here. “On a good day, the AS feels like a very interesting and pleasantly eccentric way of being. On a bad day, it feels like a very limiting disability.”

(written back in late 2016)

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Cruisin’: The High School Reunion Tour

Towards the very end of high school, my friends and I were really into Hip Hop and R&B – which is a complete shift from the alternative and grunge stuff we listened to just a couple of years earlier.

The way our class schedules were set up, we had 8 classes a year, half in the first semester and the rest in the second – so 4 for each half-year. We’d have 2 classes before lunch and 2 after. In Ontario, where I lived during those years, we had 5 years instead of 4. (Up to grade 12 was mandatory but grade 13 (or OAC, as it was called) was for “university prep”.) Starting in grade 12, you could potentially have a “spare” instead of a class to attend. (I guess it’s basically the same as the American “study hall”.) Either you had no need of the full 8 credits for the year, having completed them ahead of time, maybe in summer school, or you weren’t planning to go onto post-secondary education and didn’t need that many, or you were stupid and lazy like me and decided not to take them, even though I needed those credits…

Anyway, my very last semester of high school, I worked my schedule so that I had a spare before AND after lunch so I basically had 3 hours to “study” (which I definitely did not do). I would convince my slightly harder-working friends to ditch whatever classes or study plans they had to go to the mall, or Tim Horton’s for a really long lunch, or just drive around and do nothing with me.

Even though it was a horrific waste of valuable time for school stuff, some of my best memories are of “cruising” down the road, windows down, in a car full of girls, blasting our favourite songs of the moment.

a Playlist by kmah88~

Vol. 1

1. Destiny’s Child – No No No Part 2 (feat. Wyclef Jean)
2. 112 – Anywhere
3. Rascalz – Northern Touch (feat. Kardinal Offishall, Chocolair, Thrust, Checkmate)
4. Ginuwine – What’s So Different
5. 2 Rude – Thinkin’ About You (feat. Latoya & Miranda)
6. Montel Jordan – Let’s Ride
7. R. Kelly – Down Low
8. 112 – Only You (Clean Radio Mix feat. The Notorious B.I.G.)
9.  Noreaga – Mathematics (Esta Loca)
10. Big Moe – Hip Hop Queen
11. R. Kelly – You Remind Me of Something
12. Master P.- Make Em Say Uhh
13. Sporty Thievz – No Pigeons
14. Ginuwine – Pony
15. Noreaga – Superthug
16. Sillk the Shocker – Somebody Like Me (feat. Mýa)
17. Tyrese – Sweet Lady
18. Krayzie Bone – Thug Mentality

Vol. 2

1. SWV – Can We (feat. Missy Elliott)
2. Next – Too Close
3. BLACKstreet – No Diggity (feat. Dr. Dre & Queen Pen)
4. KP & Envi – Swing My Way
5. Total – What About Us (feat. Missy Elliott)
6. Jay-Z – (Always Be My) Sunshine
7. Tamia – So Into You
8. Ma$e – Tell Me What You Want (feat. Total)
9. Timbaland & McGoo – Luv 2 Luv U
10. Janet Jackson – I Get Lonely (Remix feat. BLACKstreet)
11. Ginuwine – Same Ol’ G
12. Xscape – My Little Secret
13. Jay-Z – Can I Get A… (feat. Lil’ Kim)
14. Pras – Ghetto Superstar (feat. Old Dirty Bastard & Mýa)
15. Silk-E Fyne – Romeo and Juliet (feat. Chill)
16. Total – Sittin’ at Home
17. Usher – U Make Me Wanna

Vol. 3

1. 2Pac – Changes
2. Masters of Da Game – I Want U Back
3. TWDY – Playa’s Holiday
4. 702 – Where My Girls At?
5. Blaque – 808
6. Missy Elliott – All N My Grill
7. Ja Rule – Holla Holla
8. 112 – Love You Like I Did
9. Naughty by Nature – Jamboree (feat. Zhané)
10. TLC – No Scrubs
11. TQ – Westside
12. Monica – The First Night
13. OutKast – Rosa Parks
14. BLACKstreet – Boyfriend/Girlfriend (feat. Janet Jackson)
15. Naughty by Nature – Holiday (feat. Phiness)
16. Usher – Nice and Slow
17. Def Squad (Erick Sermon, Keith Murrary & Redman) – Rapper’s Delight

Vol. 4

1. TLC – Unpretty
2. Usher – My Way
3. Tamia – Imagination
4. Beenie Man – Who Am I?
5. Mýa – Take Me There (feat. BLACKstreet, Ma$e & Blinky Blink)
6. Big Pun – Still Not a Player (feat. Joe)
7. Brandy & Monica – The Boy Is Mine
8. Busta Rhymes – What’s It Gonna Be (feat. Janet Jackson)
9. Mýa – Moving On (feat. Silkk the Shocker)
10. Monica – Angel of Mine
11. DMX – Ruff Rider’s Anthem
12. Tatyana Ali – Daydreamin’
13. Cam’Ron – Horse and Carriage (feat. Ma$e)
14. Brandy – Top of the World (feat. Ma$e)
15. Missy Elliott – Hit ‘Em wit da Hee
16. TLC – Silly Ho
17. OutKast – Skew It on the Barbie

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“If somebody loves you, won’t they always love you?”

I think about this quote from Whitney Houston’s Where Do Broken Hearts Go a lot.

For me, yes, it’s true. Once I love someone, I will always love them. I don’t let go.


It can suck, especially when someone has dumped me and eradicated me from their life. But it can also suck when it was me that made that choice and had to remove someone from my life. I’ve had to distance myself from people for my own well-being for various reasons, but that doesn’t mean I just stop caring about them. Sometimes that hurts me as much as it might have hurt them because I have to keep myself from letting them back in.

I’ve realized over the years, unfortunately, this is not true for other people. It’s rare actually, I think. I guess it makes sense. Most people don’t marry the first person they fall in love with and stay together forever. And friendships come and go just as frequently as romantic entanglements. It would be awful to have to carry undying feelings of love for ALL THOSE PEOPLE throughout your whole life. It hurts less to be able to let them go and start fresh. I’m even a little jealous. I wish I could banish some people from my heart forever. Specifically, the ones that hurt me the most.

Alas~ here I am, still hung up on random boys from high school and a multitude of failed friendships over the years.

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