I Just Don’t Know…

Posted on July 25, 2012 by kmah88

It’s a bleak day for Twihards and Robsteners. I was gonna leave this one alone (apart from my lamenting on Twitter) but I have thoughts in my head I would like to dispose of. I’ve been awake for more than 24 hours and I’d like to get some sleep but I can’t.

I won’t go into the details of “the situation”. We all know what it is.

But I will state my support of and love for both Kristen and Rob. If you’ve read any of my other postings, you’ll know I’m a fan of both and what has allegedly happened doesn’t change that. I believe they are both amazing people. People… Operative word. Humans. Real. Not perfect, fictitious vampires. And people make mistakes. And clearly, if what has been said truly transpired (I’m still hoping against hope that it isn’t true!), a grave mistake was made.

But, odds are, with the new “official statement” out, it’s most likely true. Based on that assumption, I am truly heartbroken.

Not just for the reasons you would think. Yes, it’s horrible to be so wrapped up and invested emotionally in the happiness of another relationship (other than your own), especially of celebrities over whom you have no control, only to have them go through difficulties and/or, God forbid, split. (*ouch* It hurts!)

Being a famous couple, one who portrays and therefore embodies the fictional couple they brought to life, we hold them up on a pedestal. It’s not fair for them, but that’s life. We want them to have that pure true love we envision them possessing and we are devastated when it doesn’t work out that way. We thought they would beat the odds of costar romance cliché of not being able to last. We thought they we’re so in love and absolutely perfect together. MFEO! (I still think that.) But, like a kid who has just found out Santa Claus isn’t real (What?!), reality hits. There is no perfect love that makes it through all adversity and last for eternity. Bella and Edward do not really exist. We just really wanted them to and projected that onto them. At least I did…

And because we are so tied up in them, we hurt for them as well. What must they both be feeling right now?! It makes me nauseous to even think about it. When I think of how I felt each time I saw Rob look at Kristen with all that love written plainly all over his face… to think of seeing the hurt and betrayal there instead. Stop right there! I can’t do it! And Kristen… knowing what she can’t take back and having to live with it. Uh!

But all of that, the disillusionment of getting the proverbial wind knocked out of you, the pain you feel for them in their behalf, is not the only reason why I’m feeling so unbelievably sad now. It’s all about my own loss. I’m a selfish person, I guess.

I cannot stop seeing those pictures and hearing the words. It can’t be undone. How am I supposed to suspend that when I watch them together in the Twilight movies now? I need a big ass bottle of bleach to wash out the inside of my head. Even reading the books and hearing the music is tearing at me right now. It feels tainted.

My beloved Twilight! Truth be told, I don’t have much else going on in my life right now and sometimes it can be a real struggle. I NEED Twilight! It’s my escape. It brings me happiness.

I hope the feelings I’m having right now when I think of watching the movies fade… quickly! Not saying all of this has ruined Twilight or anything but the emotions I experience when I read and watch, the ones I have come to rely on, the power of it… isn’t the same. Tainted. That’s the only way I can think of to describe it.

And all before Part 2 comes out…

I’m going to stop there before I start to cry (again) and try to get some sleep. Maybe I’ll feel better when I wake up.

(originally posted on Eat. Sleep. Breathe. Twilight.)

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Edward Cullen vs. Robert Pattinson

Posted on July 25, 2012 by kmah88

The following are some thoughts I posted earlier this morning on my Twitter account (@kmuffin88):

“Before Twilight, I never gave a shit about celebrities at all (except for Rivers Cuomo, cause I love him immensely). Even when I first watched the movies, I didn’t give a crap about the actors. It was the story I was there for. But delving into Twiverse, watching interviews with the stars and following their non-Twi careers, you almost feel like you know them.”

In fact, when I came across people who obsessed with various celebrities and invested in their personal lives, I would (secretly) make fun of them.

As I’ve said before, my need for my Twilight heroin made me branch out into watching the interviews of the leads for the extra tidbits about the series they might offer or the added insight (back story, motivation, etc.). That was the original point of it.

But~ the more I watched, the more captivated with them I became. Namely by Rob and Kristen. Cause they’re so awesome. As actors, as creative people, as human beings (IMHO, anyway). You really do feel like you get to know them, or at least a part of them. They both come across as so genuine and humble. (And downright cool, if you ask me!)

Particularly Rob.

The more I watched him, the more I was enthralled. Dazzled. His mannerisms, his sense of humour, his intellect. He’s not hard on the eyes either. Every single thing about him. I feel weird saying it at my age but this is the first real celebrity crush I’ve ever had. (At least since Joey McIntyre when I was 9!) My thing for the lead singer of Weezer, Rivers Cuomo, is more of an artist appreciation thing. Let’s put it this way… Rivers isn’t on my “list”.  (You know… the list of 5 people you’re allowed to sleep with with your husband’s blessing. Your “freebies”.)

Yes, I am completely enamoured of Robert Pattinson.

And I think I’ve already made clear the high ideal I hold Edward Cullen in.

Those two points being said, the two are not synonymous. In interviews, Rob has repeatedly said that fans like him because of Edward. (Always so humble!) As for myself~ in a way, it’s true but more accurately Edward was a means from which I learned about Rob. I had never heard of him before. And as soon as I started developing my little crush on Rob, in my mind he was completely separate from Edward. They look different, act differently, obviously speak differently. Actually, it kind of freaks me out when Rob speaks without an American accent while in costume.

edward rob.png

(BTW, Rob is number one on my list.)

(originally posted on Eat. Sleep. Breathe. Twilight.)

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Team Edward or Team Jacob? Does It Really Matter? Yes!

Posted on July 25, 2012 by kmah88

Ah, the age old question. Who of us hasn’t been asked it a million times? And of course, you NEED to pick a team. No Twihard can be undeclared, even if you claim Switzerland.

Where do I stand? Obviously. I am 100% Team Edward. From the beginning. Never wavered.

BUT~

For me, I’ve always loved both Jacob and Edward.

Jacob is cute, funny, sweet, and all “I’ll fight for you till your heart stops beating” (and what girl doesn’t want a guy to fight for her?!). But Edward… ah, Edward. Edward is perfection. And you can’t fight with an eclipse!

They both love Bella. They both want to protect her. They both feel that compelling need to be with her. …All very romantic. But Edward is the one who always puts Bella first and would do absolutely anything to make her happy. Even give her up. (And Jacob can be manipulative and immature.)

When the first three movies were all I had seen, I would simply say “Yup. Team Edward. Why be on the losing team?” No, it wasn’t that simple (or shallow) but I didn’t feel the need to explain.  Then I read Breaking Dawn and Jacob was no longer the loser (but not until book three). The triangle had become a square, as Taylor put it. Or a perfect circle, as Kristen said. Some of my favourite moments of New Moon and Eclipse are the heart wrenching ones where Jacob is trampled all over – not from a hurtful, condescending point of view but because of the depth of emotion and sweetness of it all. It hurt me but I loved it. How much pain can one guy endure?! I am so glad Stephenie Meyer gave him his happy ending. I love the way things turned out. So much so that I started dreaming up my own continuation of what would happen once Renesmee reached full maturity.

So, yeah, I’m Team Edward all the way but I adore Jacob.

On a side note~ I go to school with a bunch of youngin’s (18-20 year olds make up the majority of my program) so I get a firsthand account of things that interest them. Many of them like Twilight and the majority of those that do, claim Team Jacob. It seems as though the dividing line is with age. I have yet to come across a “TwiBetween” who is Team Jacob.  Hmmm…

It also makes me wonder, if Taylor Lautner didn’t portray Jacob, or if there were no movies at all, would the dividing lines still be the same? Are these girls really Team Jacob or are they really  just Team Taylor? (Oh, the things I have time to ponder…)

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(originally posted on Eat. Sleep. Breathe. Twilight.)

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Vampire Super Powers

Posted on July 25, 2012 by kmah88

This afternoon, I was lying in bed with my iPad, catching up on my TL when, out of nowhere, my husband came in the room all melancholy and laid down beside me and said, “Sometimes I think I’m the kind of person who is just okay at a lot of things but not really great at anything.” It immediately pulled on my heart strings. I think that of myself all the time. And I think he’s the awesomest. So I told him, “I know this might not sound like what you want to hear but I think that you are really great at being super responsible and on top of things all the time. That might not sound like a fun thing to be good at but you’re the most together person I’ve ever met in my life and it always impresses me.” He just smiled for a minute and then got up and said thanks. Actually, I don’t know if he felt better or not! Haha.

Then I got to thinking about Twilight, as I often do. I was thinking about how, according to Stephenie Meyer lore, when a person is turned into a vampire they bring their best qualities with them but they become more heightened and are sometimes turned into a supernatural “talent”. I always thought, among all his wonderful qualities, my husband’s best quality is that he is the down-to-earth, logical, prepared for anything, level-headed type of guy. (My complete opposite in that regard!) It is really astounding. I found myself wondering how that could be regarded as a vampire talent…

I’ve also always wondered what my vampiric quality would be. (I’ve heard that question asked of the stars of the Twilight movies in interviews.) I really don’t know. Possibly that I would be able to make anyone laugh under any circumstance? Or maybe that’s just what I would want it to be.

No. Teleportation. That’s what I would want it to be!

A lot of people will misunderstand the concept and just name a power that they think would be cool to have and has nothing to do with their personality. That’s cheating!

I’m interested to hear what other people think their heighten human quality turned vampire power would be…

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(originally posted on Eat. Sleep. Breathe. Twilight.)

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Not Another Twilight Origin Story

Posted on July 24, 2012 by kmah88

It’s coming up on my year anniversary of being a Twilight fan. (I know! Only a year?! I shall explain…) I thought, in honour of that, I will post a blog about how I fell into this world ~ my beloved Twiverse.

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Like everyone else on the planet, I heard of Twilight sometime after the first movie came out. I am, in general, fiercely against anything popular. Underdogs FTW! At the time, I was taking a few classes at university with a bunch on people 10 years younger than me and I didn’t want to like anything they did. I needed to set myself apart from them somehow. From the beginning, I was against it. Plus, I don’t like vampires. (HA!)

I remember seeing previews for New Moon on TV and scoffing at the whole vampire/werewolf/human love triangle thing (How cliché, right?) without knowing anything about it. The release of Eclipse also came and went without a care from me. (I don’t remember if I knew at the time that the movies were based on books.)

Now, anyone who knows me knows that I have a little problem with digital hoarding. I download movies obsessively and, for the most part, never get around to watching them. I am especially needy when it comes to franchises. Even if I have no interest in the series, I have to have it in my collection. So, at some point in 2011, I downloaded the 3 Twilight movies but they remained unwatched for quite some time.

I worked full time as a preschool teacher for the first six months of last year but was exhausted by the end so I wanted to take the summer off. I ended up working only 5 sporadic days throughout the summer and was really bored. I caught up on some of my movie watching. But I still refused to watch Twilight.

Then, on August 15th, I had run out of movies that piqued my interest and was sitting on the couch scrolling through the list and thought, what the hell… may as well just watch it so I can prove everyone wrong. I pressed play on Catherine Hardwicke’s little vampire flick…

I was riveted. I thought it was the most horribly romantic thing I’d ever seen. I am a huge sucker (pun intended) for love stories, although I don’t think I realized to what extent at the time. As soon it was over, I watched New Moon and Eclipse in quick succession. And as soon as Eclipse was over, I started with Twilight again. I watched all three twice through in one sitting. That’s 752 minutes, BTW.  Over 12 and a half hours.

The next day, I went online to find the books. (Who has time to wait for things to be delivered? I downloaded .pdf’s. Illegal pirating prevails in my household. Lock me up.) I read Twilight. I remember having mixed feelings about the book but when it came down to it, I was obsessed with the story and had to keep going. Couldn’t put it down.

I think I read Midnight Sun (what there is of it! *sob*) before I moved on to New Moon. I was completely heartbroken when it ended right before the good part!

I ended up reading all four books in three days. I hauled my laptop to bed with me and read all night and then slept during the day. (My husband was NOT happy.) People who know me also know it’s impossible to get me to wake up for anything other than work or school. What they don’t know is that I will also wake up to read new Twilight related source material. For that first week or so, I was a Twilight watching/reading zombie. Seemed only fitting.

I was heartbroken all over again when I read the last page of Breaking Dawn. It was all over. (More on that later…) And I was mad that I had to wait 3 more months for the new Breaking Dawn movie to come out.

When I had watched all the movies and read all the books (and listened to the audio books as well), I was starving for more. I downloaded the DVD special features to accompany the movies (I still didn’t have my own copies yet. It didn’t take long for me to acquire the Blu-rays though.) and watched all the deleted/extended scenes and documentaries. It still wasn’t enough. I went online and watched every single interview I could find. (That’s where I feel I “got to know” Rob and Kristen. Which started a whole other obsession. But that’s for another time…) Still, I needed more. Which brought me to fanfiction.net. Any other Twihard who reads this will be thinking, ‘Oh, here we go…’ But it isn’t what you think. I never really got into the whole fanfic world (yet). 2 reasons ~ #1. There’s a lot of crap to sift through and without recommendations, it can be very overwhelming. There’s just so much! A lot of it, not good. #2. I wasn’t looking for stories outside of the actual Stephenie Meyer created world. I just wanted more of what was already there. So I found a few continuations of Midnight Sun and a few EPOVs of New Moon and Eclipse. (I have yet to find a good EPOV of Breaking Dawn. If anyone knows of any… ?!)

Back to the aforementioned gloom surrounding the end of the series with Breaking Dawn~ There are maybe one or two continuations I came across that I’ve enjoyed but almost as soon as I put down Breaking Dawn (Yes, by the way, I have purchased the actual books by now.) and came to terms with the fact that it may be a very long time before Stephenie Meyer ever continues the vampire stories, if at all, I started forming my own continuing story in my head. When I can’t sleep, I actually narrate in my head. The following night, I pick up wherever I left off previously. The morning after the first night, I actually got up and wrote it down with the intention of always doing that. But from there, a lot has been lost. It’s never as good when I go to write it down as when I first imagine it. But I am still working on it. My original intention was to write my own novel (Well, my own using SM’s characters, of course.) or perhaps a screenplay. For now, I just call it “my story” when referring to what I’m writing when my husband asks what I’m doing. In my head, I also affectionately think of it as “Twilight Movie #6”.

–

2020-08-15 Update: I named my story High Noon (for a lack on anything more creative) and posted the first chapter on fanfiction.net. I wrote about 90% of chapter 2 but never shared it, as well as future scenes I planned to use. I outlined the major plot points too… but the whole project just seemed too big and I abandoned it.

Side Tidbit: Stephenie recently mentioned she has plans to eventually continue writing in the Twilight universe and that she will be bringing back Freaky Fred from The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner – which blew my mind because… he is central to a plot point in my story as well! I wonder if what is in her head is similar in any way to what’s in mine…  Since she mentioned this, I have been thinking a lot about my past plans. I’ll never continue writing it as a fully formed story but I did spend several hours updating my outline. Haha. At the very least, I can bring the characters out to play in my head again. 

–

I know I’m not alone in my creative urge after reading Twilight. That’s one of the things that is so great about what Stephenie Meyer created. Something about it makes you want to create things yourself. No other books have ever brought that out in me. Something about her world makes you want to move in and never leave it. Somehow, she created these characters that you love fiercely and can’t let go of.

I’m not good at explaining on an intellectual level why I feel a connection to certain things. I can’t tell you matter-of-factly why I love Twilight SO much. I can only tell you these movies and books bring out such strong feelings in me that nothing else in my life has ever done before. I have a friend who is obsessed with Harry Potter and we frequently have Potter vs. Twilight arguments. Although I enjoy JKR’s books, they just don’t make me FEEL what Twilight does. Twilight has become my own personal brand of heroin.

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*The title of this post is a reference to the very first episode of the Team Jack podcast.

(originally posted on Eat. Sleep. Breathe. Twilight.)

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Not-So-Closeted Twilight Fan

Posted on July 24, 2012 by kmah88

With the end of the Twilight Saga movie franchise looming on the not-so-distant horizon, I decided to let it all out there and enjoy the fandom while still in the thick of it. So I created this tertiary Twilight-only blog apart from my main (unused) regular blog and my secondary Japan trip blog.

I’ll say it here. I am completely obsessive with all things Twilight! Yup, it’s out there now. No turning back. Scoff if you must but there it is.

(originally posted on Eat. Sleep. Breathe. Twilight.)

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I’m a Closet Twilight Fan… Shh! Don’t Tell Anyone

Posted on January 1, 2012 by kmah88

And… embarrassingly, I wrote a fanfiction thing. One night when I couldn’t sleep, I made up a little scenario and I thought it was cute. I couldn’t remember it exactly… too bad. But this is close enough. It’s a “what if” story ~ I was planning on posting it to fanfiction.net but I just signed up and they make you wait 2 days before posting for the first time. Argh. So I thought I’d put it here. Not that it really matters. No one reads this blog anyway! Haha.

So suppose Alice had never seen Bella jump off the cliff. Therefore, after Bella almost kisses Jacob in her truck, there is no vampire for him to sense. So he walks her to her door and then runs off to track Victoria. …And that’s where my story begins.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I watched Jacob’s form disappear into the darkness. I knew I was safe for the moment but I felt uneasy outside on the steps alone so I quickly walked into the house and shut the door behind me. I fumbled for the light switch and made my way to the couch. Not bothering to remove my shoes or jacket, I plopped myself down with a deep sigh.

I needed to stop this behaviour. He was gone. Forever. He would never come back to me. And chasing these delusions was going to get me killed. It was stupid. Although I knew it was only my subconscious creating his voice in my head, I did believe that wherever he was, he would want me to be happy.

And I couldn’t go on hurting Jacob this way. I knew I would die now if he left me too. If I kept pushing him away, that’s exactly what was going to happen.

Could I possibly create some sort of happiness with Jake? I knew I had to make a choice. And I knew the right answer. The healthy choice.

I closed my eyes and did what I had not allowed myself to do consciously in many months. I conjured up the best image of Edward’s face that I could. One last look. Tears slid from my eyes. It was time to let go.

“Goodbye, Edward,” I whispered.

I sat their motionless for several moments. Then I took a deep breath, opened my eyes and wiped my cheeks dry.

I wasn’t sure how to proceed. I knew I would have to wait until the morning before I could go to see Jacob. He was out hunting Victoria. But all I really wanted was for him to be with me right now.

And then Jacob was there, standing at the door. I flew to it and threw it open.

“Jake, what are you doing here?” I gasped.

He casually strode into the living room.

“Well, I didn’t catch any fresh trails and Quil and Embry are out there anyway. I didn’t think it was right to leave you alone right now.” He peered down at me, evaluating my expression. I smiled back at him, relief evident all over my face.

“I’m glad you came back.” I sat back down on the couch and he joined me.

“Were you scared? Don’t worry, Bells. You’re safe. I won’t let her get anywhere near you,” Jacob promised earnestly.

“No, I just wanted to see you again.”

He laughed loudly. “You miss me already?” His grin was huge and then it softened and his eyes turned more serious. “Bella,” he said gently, “I’m not going to keep pressuring you. I just want you to know…” He hesitated as if searching for the right words.

We were sitting very close together. I was hyperaware of the proximity. He reached up to my face and delicately brushed his hand across my cheek. His eyes were penetrating. “I’ll wait,” he stated simply.

I stared back into his deep brown eyes, so full of caring and acceptance. I would never be good enough for Jacob. But I would try.

“Jake, I…” I didn’t know how to state what I wanted to say. I slowly leaned my face closer to his. My heart was beating audibly. If I could hear it, there was no doubt his extra sensitive ears picked up on it as well. His breathing hitched and came more quickly as he realized my intention. He jerked forward, narrowing the gap between us further and then paused less than an inch away, hesitating. Maybe he thought I would pull away again, but I was resolved. He sucked in a sharp breath. He was going to wait for me to make the move. Jacob wanted this to be my choice. I closed my eyes and my lips touched his.

The kiss was not what I was expecting. His lips were full and soft and warm. He was tender and gentle. The sweetness of the moment caught me off guard. My hands seemed to move of their own accord, reaching up slowly and resting softly on the back of his neck. I felt him tremble slightly at my touch. I pulled him nearer. His strong hands moved around my waist. He clutched me closely, pressing his palms to the small of my back, warming me to my core.

The way our lips moved together was strange and new to me. I liked it. I was unnerved. I had anticipated that I would be but the reason was not what I had imagined. I had thought kissing someone else would feel like a betrayal to my heart… but it didn’t. And I wasn’t kissing just anybody. I was kissing Jacob. As the rightness of the situation settled upon me, I felt just how powerful the feelings I had for Jacob had become. He was no longer just my best friend. He was much more. I had let go of the wall I had placed between us and allowed myself to feel what had been evolving over the past few weeks, what I had pushed out of the realm of acknowledgment as I had clung desperately to my past. My fear of pain had blinded me to the fact that I had fallen for Jacob.

For different reasons, neither Jacob nor I was prepared for my reaction. All the emotions that I was feeling poured out of me. I pressed my lips more urgently against his and pulled him as close as I could manage. He breathing became almost panting and he let out a very quiet moan. His arms, like constrictors, wrapped around me. The intensity increased exponentially until we had to break apart in order to breathe. He kept his face impossibly close, running the tip of his nose and his lips up and down my jaw line. His breathing was still rough and uneven.

“Bella,” he whispered in my ear, “I love you.”

(originally posted on Eat. Sleep. Breathe. Twilight.)

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Teenagers

Posted on October 12, 2011 by kmah88

People SHOULD fall in love in their late teens. That’s when people are at their most idealistic. When anything is possible. When emotions run their strongest. When love can truly be appreciated and felt wholly. I always thought, even when I was one, that the impetuousness of the age left teenagers unable to truly know what they want. I was wrong. They know what they want and when they want, they really and truly ache to have it. Yes, thoughts, feelings, ideals do change but that isn’t unique to teenagers. It’s just natural and nothing lasts forever. But enjoy it as long as you have it and with everything you have within you. Besides, the potency of the memories you’ll create at that heightened emotional stage will be what keeps you going when you have nothing left.

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(originally posted to wohngsikneuih)

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My NEXT Next Tattoo

Posted on August 13, 2011 by kmah88

I thought I should update my previous post about my tattoos. I did actually get that tattoo I mentioned and in the exact manner I described.

I did it again spontaneously. It happened almost the same way the first one did. At the same place too. Yonge Street Tattoos in Toronto. It was just over a year ago. I was downtown with a friend (different friend this time though) and we walked past and I said I wanted to go in to ask how much it would cost for that approximate tat. Turned out I would just get it done right then and there. It was kind of dumb that I did it that way though because I obviously didn’t have a reference material with me. So it’s in my own writing. But, in a way, that’s kind of cool. It has a few “glitches” in it which I meant to go get touched up, but as I said, it’s been over a year now.

Even though I really thought out the placement and everything, I still think this one ended up a little lower than I’d like. Oh well~ it’s still pretty cool, I think!

I already have my next planned out! If you know anything about me, you know I’m a huge Weezer fan ~ so what better than the flying W?!

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If not just the =w=, then I would combine it somehow with this little guy from the Pinkerton cover (and famous woodblock print “Kambara Yoru no Yuki” by Hiroshige) to add a little originality. Or maybe the 2 separately? Who knows? I do know I want the =w= on my inner wrist but I was thinking the guy could go on my ankle or something. More planning necessary.

Another idea I had was getting the torii on my ankle. Just a small one, only like an inch square. Every tattoo means something or marks some milestone, right? So this would be my reward for finally going to Japan.

131fushimi inari taisha

Hubby actually took this picture. It’s before the entrance to Fushimi Inari Taisha.

I mentioned in the other post that I was thinking about getting the kanji for loyalty as a tramp stamp. I think I’ve got enough kanji for now! I used to be a big fan of Miami Ink and Chris Garver’s work. I thought it would be awesome if Jay and I could take a trip down there and get him to do an artful piece for me. I like the symbolism of the lotus. You know~ beauty growing out of crap. I thought I would like a realistic style lotus with a stem with a greenish black quagmire (I mean cess pool… IDK if quagmire is the right word… I just thought it would be my only opportunity to use it in a sentence!) swirling around the stem. But, I promised myself I would rise above my shortcomings before doing it. Or else the symbolism is lost. It’ll be my reward. I’m almost there~

lotus

(originally posted to wohngsikneuih)

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Anxiety

Posted on August 11, 2011 by kmah88

I’ve been feeling really anxious lately and I don’t know why. I’ve been off medication for about a year now. I’ve had my ups and downs for sure but, on the whole, I’ve been doing okay. I know that’s because I was on a schedule.

My life turns upside down when I don’t follow a routine. (When it comes to sleeping, I mean that literally.) I finished working full-time on June 30th. Right away, we went on our mini-holiday to Montreal. (Check out my video I posted on YouTube of me getting a hug from Rivers Cuomo!) In mid-July, we also went to visit Hubby’s family in Edmonton for 10 days too.

Other than those 2 trips and the few days I’ve been working (occasional Wednesdays to help out with field trips), summer has been a complete disaster. I started with such high hopes and aspirations. I wanted to work out and do a lot of cleaning. I wanted to get things done! Working out? Nothing… I spent one day cleaning and, surprisingly, got quite a bit done but that was it for that too. This Wednesday is officially my last day at work. Then I have absolutely nothing stopping me from my destructive behaviour for the rest of the summer. (Ugh, I have to write a thank-you letter to my boss by then too!)

Just how bad is it? For example, as you might have read in the past few posts, I didn’t sleep at all Friday night. I woke up at 4pm on Friday and stayed up for more than 24 hours. I felt shaky and my eyes felt like they were on fire. I finally crashed on the couch around 6 or 6:30, I think, but woke up around 9:30 or 10 to hang out with Hubby for a bit before we went up to bed at about 1am. So, that was Saturday. I spent all that time at the kitchen table “playing” with blogs. I really did just sit there barely moving for, like, 22 hours. I got up to make tea and to pee.

Today is Sunday, right? Well, it’s almost 4am so I guess it’s Monday now. I woke up today at 1:30 when Nephie called and I talked to him for half an hour. I didn’t get out of bed. I had such a headache, I just went back to sleep. (Oh yeah, there was a thunderstorm so I told Hubby to come up and we’d have a little snuggle until he had to get ready for work.) When he left for work, I woke up to say bye and then stayed asleep until 8pm. When I finally came downstairs, I sat down on the couch. Aside from putting away the dishes from the dishwasher and doing one load of laundry, I haven’t much moved from this spot. Who knows when I’ll get up and go back to bed. He will be pretty mad or at least disappointed if it isn’t soon. That’s pretty much typical of how the summer has been.

But this anxiety thing, like I mentioned, is bothering me. I feel like I have a lot of things I need to be doing. But when I’m in bed, I think to myself that I really have no reason to get up because I’ll just be sitting on the couch doing nothing which is not very appealing either. Even now, I could be doing things I want to get done but I’m not. I use the excuse that Hubby is trying to sleep so I shouldn’t make noise and disturb him. But it’s just that~ if I was cleaning or something, he wouldn’t care. So, when I do finally go to bed, I can’t sleep. Of course ’cause I slept too much already. But even when I’m tired and want to sleep, I toss and turn because I get these anxious feelings that jerk me awake and make my stomach hurt.

Lately it’s been about not writing an complaint email to J-List for owing me items from two orders from over 6 months ago. I’ve been putting it off for that long and now I feel sick about it. It’s gone beyond that nagging feeling. It’s little things like that that are bothering me. Nothing important.

Summer is almost over. I really only have around 15-20 days left. 3 of those, I have to do stuff for school. Go to 2 orientation things and go to install something on my laptop. Gotta get my student card one of those days too. (These things are also causing me anxiety.)

I know it’ll be a good thing for me to be in school ~ have a routine again. But I’m worried. My track record for school is not the greatest. Especially when it comes to ECE. Plus, it’s more like a high school routine rather than in university when I had a class here and there. If it’s anything like when I took it in Winnipeg, I’ll be there all day every day from like 8 to 3 or something. And then I’ll have placements too. Ugh. I don’t think the work will be difficult (it wasn’t the first time) but I have a habit of not doing it regardless. I know it sounds like I’m defeating myself before I even start. I don’t want to think that way. Especially when I know what I do about the law of attraction! I want to be excited about “this new stage in my life”, as Hubby put it.

I had 2 fortune cookies recently and they were both similar in their messages. I didn’t keep them so I don’t remember the exact wording but one said something like “you are capable of accomplishing great things when you put your mind to it” and the other… Oh, I can’t remember but something about how I can work really hard. I’ve always thought of myself as someone who puts in the bare minimum work and just goes with the flow. That isn’t a good way to be! I want to change that. Maybe I should have kept the fortunes…

(originally posted to wohngsikneuih)

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