First

My friends Abbygail and Elana are getting married in September (I’m a brides”maid” – bridesmatron? IDK) and they made a YouTube channel that I accidentally found, even though I wasn’t supposed to. When I told Abbygail I found it and was watching the videos, she got mad. Haha. Oops. She made me promise not to watch anymore – some secrets were being talked about that I wasn’t supposed to know yet… Shhh. I still watch some, but don’t worry, dear friend – I promised not to watch the vlog ones. I’m only watching the Q&A ones. Everyone knows I love quizzes. Today, they posted a new one. Here~

Fun! I wanna play…

1. What was your first job?

I was a cashier at Pharmasave in Winnipeg. I didn’t work at all until I had graduated from high school. You know, don’t wanna get in the way of the studying that never happened. Unless you count babysitting. I did that a lot in high school (and before that too). I ended up quitting after 8 months because I was held up and it was a terrible job. My next job after that “changed my life”. I started working for the woman who helped me quash a lot of bad habits and introduced me to her brother… and ended up becoming my SIL.

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2. What was your first car?

I never drove but I DID have a car. My dad bought our neighbour’s car that sat in their driveway for years. He said he bought it for me to use when I finally got my licence. That never happened. I drove it once or twice. It was a 1982 baby blue Ford Escort. I called it the Myrth Mobile ‘cause I thought it looked like the Gremlin in Wayne’s World. (It didn’t really.)

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3. Who was the first person you texted today?

I haven’t texted anyone today. I don’t text much. The first people I had cyber-contact with today though were my friends Ang, Jodi, Ames, Deena & Tami through a Facebook post comment. Then Brina in a PM on GroupMe. It’s been a quiet day.

4. Who was the first person you thought of today?

Not sure. Myself? Haha. I had weird dreams and was mad at my subconscious for coming up with them and yelled at myself for it when I woke up. Then probably the people who were in my Facebook notifications.

5. Who was your first grade teacher?

Mrs. DeLuigi – she was a cranky lady.

6. Where did you go on your first airplane ride?

Hmm. I’m not sure actually. I know we took a family trip to Myrtle Beach/South Carolina/some other places in the area but I don’t know where we flew to. I think I was 4 or 5.

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I used to get so excited about going on airplanes when I was little. My parents did a good job at making it seem special. I kept that way of thinking until my late teens or early adulthood – taking a ride on a plane meant you were getting to do something fun. Then I realized that sometimes, planes take you to places you don’t want to be. And even when I’m very happy to be going somewhere, air travel is a hassle and planes are gross and confining. Oh, to be a child again…

7. Who was your first best friend? Do you still talk to them?

I’m not sure who I would consider my first best friend. I guess I could say Matthew. His mom was my mom’s friend and we played together a lot and I actually liked him – ‘cause he let me boss him around. There was another boy named Christopher that we also played with but he had a temper and we fought a lot. He bit me once. But those kids were just friendships of circumstance and had no real meaning to me. I had a few more circumstantial friends (parent’s friend’s kids) I liked playing with throughout the years but either I moved or they moved away after short periods of time. I also played with the girl across the street a lot when I lived in Ambridge, but we also fought a ton and most of the time, I didn’t like her.

I suppose my first real best friend was Becca. Her dad lived in the ‘community’ we did and he had his two daughters every other weekend. Becca was my age and we got along. We sang songs we made up into tape recorders and made plans to be in a band together when we were older. She’s actually an opera singer now, which is super cool that she followed that singing dream somewhat. (We moved away when I was 11 but our parents kept in touch for awhile and their dad brought her and her sister on a trip up to see us when I was 17. We were both taking voice lessons and singing opera and broadway stuff at that time and were both planning on similar careers. Separately, we had both gone in similar directions. I, however, dropped off of that path, as I do with most things that require a ton of commitment and practice. I’m glad one of us stuck with it.)

My first best friend that followed the typical best friend formula pattern was Meaghan. We met in grade 6 when I started at yet another new school but we didn’t like each other right away. It was classmate situations that threw us together and we realized we were pretty similar and became fairly inseparable for awhile. (In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t keep friendships going for a long time. One day, I might talk about that a little more…)

This is one of those things I really love Facebook for~ (although I equally hate it for other things). When I first joined FB, I became obsessive about “collecting” friends but also strangely discerning. Even now, I will never accept a friend request from someone I haven’t met in person. In the beginning, I would sit there and look up pretty much every person I could remember – and I (used to) have an odd memory where I remember the first and last names (and usually birthdays) of everyone I had ever been friends with, even fleetingly. So, almost all the people I mentioned or referred to without naming, I am Facebook friends with (except “the girl who lived across the street” and Matthew – we WERE friends when I looked him up but he didn’t really remember me and ended up deleting me not long afterwards. That’s another thing I might write about at some point in time…  Not being unfriended! Hahaha. Just my experience with memory and how things like finding someone on Facebook that I remembered and they didn’t really remember me was one of those things that points out how I can be …different). So, to sum up this exceedingly long answer, yes I am ‘in contact’ with some of these people but only in the very loosest sense of the word.

8. Where was your first sleepover?

Umm… I can’t remember a sleepover that was, like, a friend inviting me to sleep over just for fun rather than because I needed a place to sleep overnight (like babysitting) as a kid. The first sleepover I can actually remember in that case was with Meaghan and I was probably already 12 or so. I wasn’t allowed to have sleepovers much. That particular rite of passage thing was denied me! LOL. I had to go through such a rigorous application process to be allowed to go to friend’s houses, as did they and their parents. It was so embarrassing that it almost wasn’t worth it. Almost. But the prospect of staying home until I moved out motivated me to put up with it.

9. What was your first concert?

Going along with the whole not allowed to do anything ever, I am embarrassed to say my first concert – that wasn’t kids music, like Sharon, Lois & Bram or Fred Penner or something  – was Weird Al Yankovic. My friend Tara’s dad got free tickets from a client at work and took me with them.

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10. What was the first bone you broke?

I have never broken a bone. I hope never to break that streak either.

11. What was your first piercing?

My ears. Not until I was 12. Again. Never allowed to do anything. PIERCINGS ARE THE DEVIL’S WORK! Ha. I begged for years to be allowed but, no, I had to wait, but my sister, who was only 8 then, had hers pierced at the same time.

12. What was your first detention?

Actual detention, like after school hours, I’m unsure. I got in trouble A LOT when I was in school – all through school, from Kindergarten, right up until Grade 13. In high school, I had detention a few times, almost always for being late so frequently. In elementary, I got lines, extra assignments, sitting out of things that were supposed to be fun but I was actually grateful to miss out on, etc.~ for talking too much.

I think my first detention was in grade 6. During baseball in gym class, some other girl and I were sitting on the bench trying to avoid our turn and were bored. We drew little penises between our legs on the bench. Our teacher was sooooooo angry. We had to stay after school for a detention and erase them from the benches. Thank goodness we had used pencil. I can understand why she was upset now but at the time, her anger seemed unreasonable. Now the whole situation is hilarious to me.

13. Who was your first celebrity crush?

Michael J. Fox probably. I was 6. We didn’t have a TV for a long time, then had one briefly and I discovered Family Ties. I wanted to marry Alex P. Keaton. Of course, I was 6 so I had no idea what that actually meant. Someone probably just mentioned that he was Canadian so I liked him. (We were living in PA at the time and I was very patriotic.)

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Joe McIntyre was the next I can think of. I was hardcore obsessed with NKOTB.

14. What was your first road trip?

Like… family road trip? I have no idea. We drove a lot of places when I was little. Nothing stands out in my mind as the first.

I’m trying to think of the first road trip I was on without my family. …Coming up empty. I guess it depends on the definition of road trip too.

Just to sound cool, I’m gonna say it was one of the many I’ve taken with my friends in the last 5 years. The best ones were to Forks, WA or Gatlinburg, TN. Or with Hubby to Montreal to see Weezer in… 2010, I think?

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There was a point in time where I was convinced that one day, I would get my license and drive to fun places myself. Now I am 97% sure that will never happen. That window is closed.

15. When was your first kiss?

With tongue? Haha. I wrote about this in the TMI quiz. I was 17 and it was with my friend Mike who I was sort of “seeing” – as much as one could have seen another with my maturity at the time. The possibility of a relationship beyond friendship ended at that very moment. I basically freaked the fuck out. Sorry, Fox. I just wasn’t ready. Super great guy though…

16. When was the first time you said “I love you”?

(I’m gonna answer this as my first-first and first in my current relationship – since I’m not doing this as a couples tag thingy. Haha. Can you imagine me trying to get Hubby to answer these with me in a video?)

The first time I ever told a guy I loved him (that wasn’t an elementary school “boyfriend” that didn’t count) was when I was puking my guts out in a tent in the middle of the night on May 2-4 weekend in grade 12. Not my finest moment. Memorable though, despite my inebriation. (I wrote about this guy in the same TMI quiz too.) I was totally obsessed with him but my feelings towards him were not reciprocated. He had a girlfriend at the time too… in the next tent over. Haha.

The first time Hubby and I said I love you to each other was three months after we started dating. We had a long distance relationship but spent our first post-Christmas holiday/New Year’s Eve with each other. We were staying at my friend Jeannie’s apartment, hanging out by ourselves and he just came right out and told me. I was cautious to tell someone that after the last relationship I had had (also long distance – also written about in the TMI quiz) and I didn’t want to say it back. I asked him to clarify what he meant before I said anything. Hahaha. Poor him. I did end up saying it back but I wasn’t sure if I felt it. Really, I still had no idea what it meant. It was only about 6 weeks more before I was absolutely sure I loved him.

Love is a tricky thing. It doesn’t matter to me now what I felt or didn’t back then. I love him now. And I tell him constantly. So does he.  (Awwwwww. *vomit*)

17. When was your first date?

My first first date… One of my high school boyfriends came to pick me up once and I was furious and crying in my bedroom while my dad grilled him in our living room for half an hour before he finally let him take me away. I was mortified. I don’t even remember now what we actually did that night. I only remember the horrible preamble.

With Hubby? The day we met. It was sort of a blind date, but not. That has its own post too.

Happy Victoria Day. Celebrate the Queen, you barbarians!

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Pinteresting

Those that follow me on other forms of social media will already be aware that I am OBSESSED with Pinterest. And I have frequently mentioned my various boards in a multitude of posts here on this blog too. I even minimally detailed some of the other accounts, apart from my own personal one, in the Team Jack post. Needless to say, I frequently waste hours and hours and hours on Pinterest. (Not gonna lie, there have been days I’ve laid in bed or on the couch and spent 18+ consecutive hours perusing and pinning. That’s… impressive and disgusting.)

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I was thinking about why I like it so much.  I am thinking that it has a lot to do with my recent struggle with words and the innate human desire to have others understand me and who I am. If anyone were ever to become obsessed with me or want to stalk me online and find out everything they could about me, I’ve made it REALLY easy for them. Haha. Of course, no one is ever going to be as interested in me as I am… *snort* Not even Hubby. It’s too bad really. I’m interesting.

Okay, now that I have recovered from that little giggle fit~

Seriously, anything one could ever hope to know about me is on Pinterest. It’s a visual representation of everything I think and feel. Everything that’s important to me, and ideas I have, anything that’s going through my mind. The only thing that’s missing are the words to explain it.

I find that most people just hit the save button without editing the words others have already used. It can be really confusing because you don’t know if the captions are from the person you know or the one before them or 10~ people before that. And most of the time, the captions are irritating as hell. I prefer to erase whatever was said by previous pinners and not say anything myself, letting the pictures speak for themselves. You know the adage… 1000 words and all that…

As it is today, I have almost 15,000 pins organized into 140 boards. I also have 24 “secret” boards where I collect things I’m not ready to share yet for various reasons. And also 451 pins in my ‘likes‘, which I use as a temporary holding until I have enough of something to warrant their own board or I’m not sure where to put yet. Awhile ago, in one of the site updates, they made it so that you can change the order in which your boards appear. I spent quite awhile click/dragging them around into a specific order that I felt flowed and reflected me. Then, of course, the Pinterest powers-that-be fucked it up so that it only works on the actual computer view and not the mobile version. (Facebook hostile takeover. Boo.)

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In the beginning, I had a similar lineup of board topics as most people – funny things, home things, food things, fashion things. Over time, I edited those, rearranging them, deleting some, and adding a shitton of new topics. I wish they’d add in some sub-board feature. I have groups of boards that I want to lump together but still keep separate. Right now, the only thing I can do is put them beside each other, which only works on computer view anyway. Argh.

As you’ve probably guessed, I have a lot of Japan-related boards. Originally, I was going to have one but that blew up in my face. There are 39 now. That’s probably the biggest subset topic.

My single most-used board is my “In My Dreams” one. It started out as a collection of images reminiscent of a few particular ‘scenes’ I place myself in when I need to calm myself or am trying to fall asleep. My multiple “happy places”. I think there are about 7 or so very specific settings I use for that purpose. (It’s actually a lot more complex than that and one day, I might try to explain.) After awhile, it started turning into natural scenery that I find pretty, but I’ve been trying to put it back on track lately. There are over 1,000 pins in that one board.

I think what makes my use of Pinterest more… intense than other avid pinners is that I don’t just save something and never look at it again. Like how I reread my own blog posts a lot, I spend just as much time going over my own boards as I do looking for new pins. I am always tweaking the appearance and content. And, as you’ve seen, I link to them often.

I use my Pinterest boards for idea planning, recipes, research, organizing, etc. like everyone else but I also use the pictures to calm myself, to lift my spirits, to inspire me, and to sort through the chaos in my head. It’s turned in to a life coping tool for me.

One thing that I haven’t gotten to yet is uploading my own travel pictures. There are many that I think are worthy being shared with the masses but I want to have all my blog posts up first so I can pin directly from here. (The Pinterest add-on button in my tool bar was probably the single greatest download ever!)

My one complaint of Pinterest right now, apart from what I mentioned about them moving things around so much, is that they have changed the wording in the notification to have the worst grammar! It’s so annoying. For some reason, instead of saying ‘so-and-so saved your pin’ like they used to, now it says “one of your pins got saved”. WTF. Got saved? That sounds terrible.

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Oh, that and I keep seeing pins from people I don’t follow on Pinterest merely because we’re Facebook friends. I hate that. If I don’t follow someone on purpose, there is a reason.

All in all, I love Pinterest and I wish more people used it to it’s potential.

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Sleep Talk

This is a conversation I just had with my sleeping husband.

Him: Thanks for the strawberries.
Me: What strawberries?
Him: You know. All of them.
Me: What?
Him: The strawberries.
Me: Huh? What strawberries?
Him: Boo to cupid. Boo to strawberries. Boo to unibrows.
Me: (LOL) Okay.
Him: It’s not that funny.
Me: It’s pretty funny.
Him: (*resumes snoring*)

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100 More Happy Days

This is a long, rambly post. If you’re just here for the follow info, scrolllllllll to the bottom. 🙂

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In 2014, I completed the 100 Happy Days challenge. It may sound exceptionally cheesy but doing so changed my life. My general outlook on things got a lot brighter. It strengthened a good habit in me where, even when things are completely shitty, I can always acknowledge something good. It made me more appreciative of everything I have.

Like all good habits though, it needs maintenance. Unfortunately, when we learn lessons, it’s not just a one-time thing where we learn it and that’s that. Lessons need to be put into practice in order for them to stick. Usually, we have to remind ourselves of the things we have learned over and over again.

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Lately I’ve been in a bit of a rut. When taking stock of my life, all in all, things are pretty great – but I don’t always feel that. As they always do, my emotional levels roll in and out like the tide. When I go through a bout of the lower emotions, I tend to lose sight of all the positive things I’ve got going on.

A few weeks ago, one of those Facebook memory things popped up in my feed of when I started the challenge last time. I almost never share the memories (I find it kind of a redundant, useless feature most of the time) but I did repost that one – with a side remark saying I should do it again because of the impact it had had.

I’ve been toying with the idea since then. I was a great experience but I was hesitant to do it again because it was a lot of work and I wasn’t sure I wanted to participate in another daily challenge so soon after doing the #AYearOfTwilight one I did for Team Fireball. When I take on these challenges, I don’t do them half-assed. That’s not the kind of person I am. When I commit myself to something, I give it everything I have, perhaps to my own detriment at times. Once I start, I’m in it to win it.

I spent this past week talking to a few friends and getting an outside perspective to help me make up my mind. I wasn’t looking for input per se – I can make up my own mind. I just like to talk through things to an audience so that I can organize my reasoning. By talking to other people, I solidified a few ideas:

I will go ahead with the challenge, despite my reservations.

I’m going to start tomorrow, April 1st, because it’s a nice round number and will make date-tracking easier. I also have a big trip coming up that will be a good opportunity to have lots of experiences.

I decided I’m going to further challenge myself – because doing the exact same thing is boring – and use the challenge to better my photography skills. I don’t want to do a challenge just for the sake of doing a challenge. I find the photo-a-day challenges somewhat pointless after awhile. With the Twilight one, it got to a point where I was doing it just because I felt I had to. If someone is participating in one of those and is having fun, that’s one thing – but when it gets to be a burden, it’s useless. (It could be argued that I was working on my photography and photo-editing skills during some of our Twilight year, I guess.) So, I’m going to be more happy AND a better picture taker. 😉

I also want to do more things that have to do with the actual day rather than sometimes just posting generic things that make me happy (more on target with the vision of the original creator).

And~ the main thing I want to keep in mind throughout the challenge is that I’m doing it for myself. I honestly do not care at all if I don’t receive one single ‘like’ or comment on my pictures. I don’t care if people unfollow me or get annoyed with the sudden surge in posts. I’ve heard people say that the only reason for posting anything online is to interact with others, but I disagree and will defend my position whenever questioned. Yeah, it’s nice to communicate with others, especially when it’s regarding something you’re passionate about, but the main reason I post anything on any of the many platforms I use all over the internet is because I hoard memories and actually go back and look at them quite often. You know the expression ‘pic or it didn’t happen’? That could sum up my life. I used to have such a good memory but now nothing sticks at all. If I don’t have a picture or some notes to remind me of something, it’s like it never happened. I don’t know if anyone else does this but I frequently go through my feeds on whatever social media and reminisce over my own shit. I reread my blogs and Facebook posts. I scroll through my pictures on Instagram and Flickr. I watch my own videos on YouTube. I pore over my collections on Pinterest. (There’s a whole blog post about that coming soon!) I even periodically read my old tweets even though I very very rarely use Twitter anymore. So, not only am I posting these pictures daily to cultivate the habit of gratitude and positivity but so that at the end, I have 100 good memories and remember the pride I’ll feel in completing the challenge.

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It’s not to say that I want to do this completely on my own. I will and I have no problem with it but it would be great if other people join in and do the challenge too. It was a wonderful thing for me last time and I think it would be awesome if other people found that it was just as beneficial for them. It’s nice for me to increase my own happiness but all the more better if I can help other people find their own as well.

A few of my friends have said they are up for giving it a go, but I’ve also heard a lot of hesitation from people too. To a certain extent, I can understand that. We are so conditioned in “we must not fail!” that many people think this challenge is too hard. It’s really not though – especially for those who are already posting stuff prolifically anyway. It is so easy to pick up your phone, snap something – anything – that makes you smile, and post it online. It takes seconds. (Other people don’t have to do it the way I do…)

One friend said she’d try to do it but would most likely end up forgetting and drop out after only a few days. Really, I think that’s fine too. Yeah, it’s a challenge to do it for 100 days in a row, but the benefits of actively looking for happiness and learning to create your own happiness when none can be found can be reaped in only a few days. Or even just once. I don’t see this challenge of something you can really “fail” at. If you participate, even for one day, I think you win.

If you’re up for increasing your own happiness, you can join in too. Take a picture of one thing that made you happy and post it on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter or wherever, using the tag #100HappyDays. If you want to learn more about it, take a look at the official website (register your info at the bottom if you’re participating) or read what I wrote about it back in 2014 and/or see the collection of pictures I posted last time. And watch this video~

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If you only want to see what things make me happy over the next 100 days, I’ll be posting on Instagram for sure and probably Facebook too and maybe even Twitter. And, c’mon, let’s be honest… There will most likely be a bunch of blog posts here highlighting the best (and one big one at the end).

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The Future

Sometimes, I have a really hard time falling asleep ~ so I tend to play word games in my head until my brain slows down or to keep it from spiralling out of control. Sometimes, instead of games, I’ll “write” stories – complex plot lines and character sketches. Or sometimes, I’ll just pick one fantastical idea and follow it, coming up with as much detail as my imagination will allow, until I fall asleep. I’d say about half the time, this focused kind of thinking backfires on me and I get too wrapped up in it and end up staying awake many more hours than I would have otherwise.

The past few days, I keep going back to one idea rather than make up stories or play games. I am always intrigued by futuristic stories (books, TV shows, and movies in particular) and it’s interesting to compare them to each other and cool to see what “predictions” have come true (if the time period of the story has already past – like Back to the Future). I was thinking about all the technical marvels that have been invented in the last 150 years. If you think about it, almost everything we take for granted now didn’t exist then. Even all the marvels that have come about within my lifetime. So, it’s made me think…

What will life be like 150 years from now? What things will be commonplace in the lives of the people at that time that I can’t even begin to fathom now?

If you built a time machine and went back to 1867 and brought a person from then back with you to introduce them to now… what would they think? Could they even handle it or would they have some sort of mental breakdown. I can’t imagine that someone from that time would ever feel comfortable in today’s fast paced, technological society. Yikes. Cars, telephones, computers, the internet. Electricity. Refrigeration. Indoor plumbing. OMG. Medical breakthroughs. The list is endless.

So, with that knowledge in mind, would I personally be able to handle 2167? It seems to make sense that the pace of progress will at least continue, if not increase. It’s ludicrous to think we’ve gone to the limits of human ingenuity and have only tweaking to do. I highly doubt the rate of progress will slow.

Back to where I started~ I’ve been thinking about what the future might be like. If I were the one writing the story taking place in 150 years, what cool things would I envision?

Maybe I should mention what triggered this idea… I watched the movie Passengers the other night. I’m not even sure what year it’s supposed to be. There were obviously a few big things (space travel, human hibernation stasis whatever, etc.) but, in general, most things were just refined versions of what’s going on now. Then I got to thinking about other movies from various future times and what I thought was plausible and what was ridiculous. (The Fifth Element, Minority Report, Star Trek, etc.) Then, I started imagining what things would evolve and how daily life would be. Gotta say, I TRIED to come up with something completely new but I guess my imagination isn’t strong enough.

Here are some of the ideas I had:

I think that the two main factors for change in the next century or so will based on the environmental damage humans have done and continuing the trends of making daily lifestyles more convenient. It’s great that we’re finally realizing how badly we have hurt the environment but even though some changes are being made to stop it or fix it, the far-reaching effects haven’t yet even been seen. I think it will get much much worse before it gets better. And I think that people will continue to flock to cities as they have been for the past century or more and urban areas will get more and more crowded.

The first thing I thought about is how and what we eat. There is the trend to eat more naturally but I also foresee that type of diet being too expensive for the majority and, because of environmental effects, that becoming harder and harder. There is also the increase of dietary restrictions limiting the things people can eat, like the rise of nut allergies or gluten intolerances, etc. I see the advances in engineered food really taking off. I imagine that we will have some sort of naturally based, cheap to produce, something or other that can be manipulated somehow to taste like anything. I could see a nutritious, bland, grain like substance that can be molded into various textures and customizable to individual preferences. I always wondered what was actually coming out of the food replicators in Star Trek. This is my answer to that. You can pretty much eat anything you want, but it won’t be “bad” for you.  I think only rich people will continue to eat real meat and organic food.

The second thing I thought about was transportation. Due to environmental issues and climate problems, I don’t think cities will rise up as much as future imaginers have, but going down underground instead. And instead of “flying cars” which seems to be such a popular idea, I would like to see cars abolished altogether. I think that subway systems will be the main way of transportation in cities. If you’ve ever experienced the underground systems in Asia, that would just be a precursor to what I envision. I think that they would need to have many, many more lines, longer operating hours, etc. Basically, replace existing roads with underground tunnels. My main idea was that instead of a single train going from point A to point B, it would be one continuous train in a loop. And they could be concentric for local, rapid, and express services. You’d have to transfer frequently but since it’s all underground, you’re out of weather issues and traffic wouldn’t be an issue.

My third idea was an extension of the transportation going underground. That would free up streets, which I saw being covered with a roof and glass walls to protect from the likely uninhabitable outdoors most of the year. (I think summers and winters would be long and severe and spring and fall almost nonexistent.) The streets would be commuter tunnels. Each household would have an entrance (like their current driveways – or each apartment complex would have an underground entrance. Then you’d walk along the street tunnel to the nearest stairway that took you down to a stop on whatever line you needed.

I also think “outdoor spaces” that we are used to now, like parks, would also be underground and engineered. We still want our nature but much of it will have to be manmade in order to be accessible most of the time. I think actual outside would be deserted during summer and winter. The heat and cold would be too much, but also, it gives nature a chance to heal if we aren’t out there fucking it up.

I tried to envision how communication will evolve. It’s difficult. I think more and more will be digital, automated, and hands free. I think we’re going to use our “phones” (more like, hand held devices) for almost everything. Almost everyone will have one. I see the watch idea taking off but instead of it replacing the hand held screen, I think they will be used together. You will receive your alerts and information on your watch but use a screen to view things in more detail. Like, you can’t type out a complex document on a watch. Taking calls through your watch also doesn’t seem to work for me. I think maybe a device that stays near your ear but in less intrusive than the Bluetooth ear pieces or even ear buds. I also see this crossing over into fashion. Ear pieces as jewelry. Also, in fashion, I think clothing will start to incorporate more pockets and add-ons specifically for tech.

I think, in the future, your ‘phone’ will be a part of everything you do. Health monitor, personal safety/location, no-touch payment at stores, clocking in and out at work and being paid. The beginnings of that are already in place but I think it will become so standard that things like land lines, paper money, hard-wired home systems, etc. will be abolished.

Automation will be in everything.

That’s all I’m going to write for now, because I’m tired and sick, but I may come back to it again later and add in more ideas.

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A Weird Green Colour

The sky is a weird green colour. Greyish green. Slightly sickly. Seems very fitting. What’s that called when the weather matches what’s going on in a story? My brain is on low battery right now and I’m having a hard time concentrating.

It’s been raining off and on all day and night. I slept with the window open to enjoy it even though it’s cold. When I finally got out of bed, the value of light was so lovely. Comforting. Most people would call it gloomy but it gave me a little surge.

Now it’s almost setting. The sky looks weird. Not green like when there is a summer storm. More like… the sky looks befuddled. And that’s how I’m feeling. Entirely unsure of what to think, feel, or do.

Pathetic fallacy. That’s the term.

I am so full of thoughts. The constant bombardment of… things. But they aren’t thoughts in language. I can’t make sense of any of them. And they aren’t really emotions either. I don’t really feel much of anything – maybe because I was feeling too much so I’ve dissociated or something. I’m not sure. I feel hazy and confused. And, no, in case you’re wondering, I’m not on anything. And I got enough sleep. And I’ve been awake for several hours.

I’m just overwhelmed by nothingness.

I have a few vague worded thoughts bouncing around in my brain and a few loosely labelled feelings I can pinpoint, but most of the current chaos is just like being suspended in a swirling vat of squishy goo.

All I can say really to explain it to someone outside myself is that, right now, I feel the very essence of what it is to be me. I was given a new lens to understand me last year and I’m still wrestling with it and trying to work it out. Sometimes, it’s great. Other times, like now, it’s… incomprehensible.

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The Third Degree

I don’t like having to justify my life to other people – and yet I feel like I spend an inordinate amount of time trying to do just that. It’s not that I have some crazy lifestyle that is so different than most people. It’s more that I haven’t done what would be expected out of someone with my background and means. Nor have I rebelled against it so fully as to be its own way of explanation. I simply “failed to achieve” certain milestones or really have much ‘to show for myself’. Since I’ve never been very vocal against shooting for the things most women in my situation (try to) attain, I guess that means to most people that I want them too and just didn’t succeed. And, to a certain extent, I’ve spent the last few years of my life trying to convince myself that it’s okay that I don’t live my life the way society tells me I should, the way my parents expected, and the way I thought I wanted to for so long.

I’m getting to the point where I realize that what is right for most people isn’t quite right for me. I don’t need to do or need to have certain things in my life to be happy and complete. I don’t have everything figured out yet and am still searching to find the things that do make me feel that way, but I know which things I don’t need and don’t really want either. I have a lot in my life but it’s intangible, inexplicable things. I have time and freedom and I get to move at my own pace. Many people might look at me and think I’m wasting my life but, really, that’s their own values and ideals trying to overlay onto my life. Like trying to measure a ball with a yard stick. Their problem – not mine.

I met Hubby relatively early in my life. (It seemed late at the time to be dating a ‘first boyfriend’ but since he was the one I ended up spending all this time with and I didn’t have to try on a bunch to find a good fit, it could have been much much later and I know many people my age who still haven’t met their person.) It seemed I was on track then to hit all those other markers in life that make one a ‘successful adult’. But I sort of stalled right out of the gate on that front. We did get married eventually, but we never had kids. I never graduated from university and got a career. I didn’t even stick with any one job for very long. Hell, I never even got my driver’s licence! Looking down the adult checklist, I have mostly only unchecked items.

Until recently, that made me feel bad – like I was defective or lacking something. I think it’s because I felt the pressure to be that person that I also felt the need to defend myself, but because I didn’t actually go through with most of it (maybe the pressure wasn’t strong enough or maybe because, deeper within myself, I knew those things weren’t right for me), I had no defence for myself to give.

You wouldn’t think that I’d have to rationalize the way I live my own life to other people since it’s my life, but unfortunately, I have to do it in varying degrees almost constantly. It comes in many forms – from the simplest, benign inquiry of “So, what do you do?”, to the dreaded “When are you guys finally going to have kids?”, to the cringe-worthy “What are you going to do next?”. Luckily, at least my parents seem to have given up on me years ago.

Just today, I was talking to someone I don’t know very well, doing the whole awkward small talk thing I hate so much as she gave me a ride home from lunch. She seems like a nice person and I assume she didn’t mean anything condescending about it but I felt like I was being interrogated about ‘what I’m going to do with my life’ by the questions she was asking me. I think she was waiting for some profound anti-establishment sentiment or at least some evidence that I’m not just a lazy bum and have some sort of justification for taking up space and having fun while other people feel the need to run in the rat race. I have no idea what impression I left her with. I feel fairly certain that, whatever it was, it was underwhelming because that’s how I felt.

The reason I hate this topic so much is because the easiest questions send me back into that insecure mindset where I’m floundering for reasons why I quit school time and again, why I’m not a mother, why I don’t work full time in a job that utilizes any potential I may have, why I’m not out there doing amazing things with all this spare time I have… And if I fully felt shame for that or wanted a life that matched all that criteria, maybe that would be warranted. But it’s just habit that my mind falls backwards like that. It’s not how I truly feel. I leave those conversations angry with myself for giving the other person the idea that I think I’m pathetic or somehow unworthy or whatever. I don’t and I’m not. Actually, I’m … well, maybe not totally, but 80%… okay with my lifestyle. (There are a few things I’d like to change, but we all have that.)

Part of the problem is being backed into the proverbial corner and reverting to defensiveness but another part is my manner of speaking. I tend to talk about myself in a self-deprecating way AND I also use language that downplays the way I think and feel about things. (This has a name but I forget what it is right now.) It’s a bad habit. Words like kind of, sort of, pretty much, a little bit, etc. For instance, if I just cut off my own arms by accident, that would kind of hurt. I come across as blasé, unaffected or ho hum. Everything is meh. (Little tip for those that want to know how I feel about something – you have to read more into what I say to decode what I actually feel. If I say “I’m kinda mad”, that means “I’m fucking pissed.” Haha.)

I could be that passionate, rebellious-sounding person who stages personal revolts against “the man” and refuses to participate in social convention… but that’s not me. I’m not not doing these things to rebel. I’m not making a statement. I’m just living my life.

The last component of the problem is that I have a lot of trouble putting my thoughts and feelings into comprehensible language. Someone may ask me why I do something and even if I know exactly why I do it, I can’t explain it in words and can’t muster the energy to try, so I say “I don’t know”. I do know… but I don’t know how to tell you.

The truth is that I don’t live like most people my age, abilities, and situation because I either don’t want to, don’t feel the need to, or don’t find it important to do so. And I don’t think I owe anyone any more explanation than that.

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