Broken Lines

Lately, I’ve been feeling very frustrated and confused.

When I talk with people, I do my best to be concise and straightforward. A lot of the time, especially when having personal, intimate conversations, I fail at that. I get ahead of myself mentally and can’t keep up verbally or I get nervous and stutter. Or I am put on the spot and haven’t taken the time to formulate a coherent answer. But in general, it’s something I always strive for. Something I thought, at least in a professional capacity, I always did well. For instance, in the past, when conveying a problem at work to my manager or perhaps over the phone to tech support or something, I had been praised more than once for relating the information that was needed in an organized, calm way. I was proud of that.

Lately though… *sigh* I don’t know what has changed. Something has. I don’t know if it’s me that actually changed or my perception or… I really don’t know.

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Granted, professionally, I am now working with mostly people whose first language (or even second or third, in some cases) is not English. There is bound to be some mix up from time to time. But, I feel like I am speaking another language than every other person on the planet now. I don’t feel wholly understood. Ever. By anyone. Even Hubby sometimes doesn’t quite get what I’m really saying.

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I acknowledge I have become a lot more closed off than I used to be, but when I want to communicate something – if I need clarification or help with something – I still do my best to be succinct. It’s not working! It’s frustrating and pretty upsetting.

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There have been multiple occasions recently where I have needed assistance with something or asked for specific information and I feel that the responses I have received have either only partially answered what I asked or have not been related at all.

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Most of the time, it’s just inconsequential, mundane things and I let it go, but a few times, they have been circumstances where I actually need to get something across or need help. It’s not just verbally that these issues are happening. It’s through written communication as well. That’s the worst part. When I take the time to arrange the right words in the right order, that is the very best I can do. If I can’t connect with people in a meaningful way through those means anymore, what do I have left? Especially with my anxiety issues when talking to people face to face.

Is this something wrong with other people? Is no one else truly listening to what is actually being said? That can’t be the case, right? I’ve said this a lot in the past few years – if every other person you encounter seems to have a problem, the problem is really with you. So what is it that I am doing now or just noticing now that is leading me to feel so misunderstood?

All of this makes me not want to talk to anyone else at all anymore! Give up and dig a hole and close myself off completely.

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