If you’ve read my blog or know anything about me, you’ll already know that January 1st doesn’t mean that much to me. Today is actually a much more important day in our family – that is, my husband and me and his side of the family. (If you know nothing about me yet, you should be told Hubby is Chinese.) There are a lot of traditions around Chinese New Year that we observe. I’m not going to list them now – you can Google it 😉 – because that’s not really the point of this post.
Apart from the customs involved with CNY, I use this point to take stock of how the new year has been sitting with me so far. CNY usually falls at the end of January or early February (it changes every year). I said in the last post that I was going to break my non-resolution-making habit by making a list of goals to tackle in 2017. Now, almost a month in, I’m checking in with myself and seeing what is working and what can be dropped. I’ve also been thinking of the other things I wanted to add to my list.
My one big goal for the year is to lose weight. My friend is getting married in September and I’m in the bridal party. I loathe the way I look right now and want to feel better about getting fancy. I want my face to have an actual shape instead of looking like a lumpy potato and I’d like to not feel like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man in a dress. Ideally, 30-40 pounds is what I’d like to lose but I’d be happy enough with at least 20.
So far… I have done absolutely nothing towards this goal. In fact, quite the opposite. But~ I just recently saw this video and realized something.
Some background first: Back in 2010, after we came back from Japan the first time, I ended up gaining a bunch of weight over several months. By the time I was a few months in to my new job as a teacher in a preschool toddler classroom, I was at my highest weight ever. The following September, I started back at college and over those 2 years, dropped back down about 25 pounds without working out or drastically changing my diet. And then, I graduated and have slowly climbed back up pretty close to where I was again.
While I watched that video, something clicked. What is the difference between my lifestyle when I’m losing vs. gaining weight? It’s not diet or exercise. Well, maybe a little but the biggest change is my sleep schedule. True that I kept some crazy hours when I was in college BUT I was awake during the daytime for the most part. I woke up in the mornings and went to class. Therefore, I also ate meals at more “normal” hours too. I had a rhythm. This, I believe, is the key to everything. (Not just the weight.)
I had thought that I’d lose a little bit of weight when I started working again but that hasn’t been the case yet. I’ve been at my job for 6 months with very little fluctuation in numbers. I think the problem is that, because I’m only part time, my sleep schedule is just as insane as it ever was, if not more so.
According to what is said in the video (I highly recommend you watch it, and then check out all the cool sciencey videos they have on the VSauce channel. Very dorky-cool and entertaining.), when you don’t sleep regular hours during the night, you mess up pretty much every system in your body. Which is exactly what I’ve done. I have no circadian rhythm at all. My hormones are a mess. This is why I gained weight and have fertility issues. I’m not so in denial that I don’t think my shittastic diet doesn’t play a huge part too, but the fact that I dropped so much weight before by seemingly doing nothing makes me think I can do it again.
Of course, I’m not an idiot. I’m not going to do nothing other than sleep and think that’s enough, but to be honest with myself, I know I’m probably not going to make any drastic changes to my diet and start working out much until probably at least May. (Hence, 20 pound goal rather than 40.) Really, I don’t want to. Not yet. I don’t want to be fat, but I don’t want to work out or stop eating crap more.
So that means, from now until May-ish, my new goal is to sleep better. I made a vague plan. I’m not going to say I will be asleep by 11 every night right away. I’m going to start with 2am and work down by and hour in 2 week increments. And the same with waking up. Be up by 2pm, etc. This may sound to some as a ridiculously low step to make, but I am rarely asleep before 4am, some days not going to be at all until midmorning the next day. And on my days off, I am hardly ever out of bed before 4pm, sometimes not waking until it’s completely dark out. Aside from the flipped day/night thing, I also have no consistency when it comes to how long I sleep. It’s anywhere from 2 hours to 20. Really, I can’t even fathom any other kinds of healthy changes while I feel so out of control on this front. (It’s actually been a ginormous problem I’ve been downplaying to other people and to myself for quite a long time and it’s to the point where it’s dangerous right now. I may come back to this topic later on, but I don’t feel like it right now and this is not the post to do it in.)
A second part to this weight loss plan to go along with sleeping better is drinking more water. I figure while I work on one, that’s an easy thing to slip in that should be beneficial too. I don’t think I need to tout the advantages of water to you… As it is now, I barely drink any. I drink tea almost exclusively. Like the working up to the ideal sleep schedule, I plan to work up to the recommended 8 glasses a day thing. Gonna start out with just one.
My next most important goal I made for myself this year was to read more. That idea came entirely from a graphic someone posted on Facebook that I took interest in.
I like challenges but 52 books in one year seemed to daunting to me because I had thought I only read just one last year. Turns out, if you count audio books – which I do – there was at least 5, but that’s still barely any. I admire people who read voraciously and have always wanted to be more of a reader. Instead of just wanting to improve, why not just do it? So I told myself I’d do half that many. I’d read 26 books this year. I started right away. And I also opened up a Goodreads account to track my progress and keep everything organized. They have their own book reading challenge thing where you can enter how many books you want to read in the year and they keep tabs on it for you. Again, I second-guessed my ability to stick with it, so I went with 12 instead of 26. One book a month. I was going to only count books I read, like, with my eyes, but after talking to a friend, she convinced me that, yes, audio books do count. Scientifically, yeah, it might be better for you to use your eyes to absorb the written word. It does more for your brain, but listening to stories activates some other parts too. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. I’m counting them. So now although my Goodreads challenge says 12, I’m going back to 26. And guess what? It’s only January 29th, and I’m already done 4. The 5th and 6th will probably be done by Monday. I’m a teeny bit impressed with myself on that front.
The other goals I had listed in the last post were more of what I consider ‘mental health’ goals. And I am not in a spot right now where I even want to think about doing things that promote the betterment of my mental health. I’m putting that shit on hold for a bit. Logically, I know I need to do something to dig myself out of the pit I’m burying myself in pretty soon but I’m not ready yet. I’m just gonna sit in my pit by myself for a little bit longer. Again, might come back to this topic later on. Not today.
That’s my other goal then ~ come back to the health stuff. Lay it all out for the world to see, should they accidentally stumble across it. LOL. Even though very few people will ever read anything I even post on here, blogging keeps me honest. Someone could see it. It has the potential to be public. And there is something about pouring your heart out, being completely open, not hiding your darkness from other people… It’s kind of cathartic. I feel like it has a healing aspect to it. So I will share my thoughts on where I am in my head and how I’m dealing with it and what I’m going to do going forward later on. For now, we’ll call it ‘Goals Part 3: Working Title’.
P.S. I was all obsessed with Bullet Journals for about a week. I still think they are cool but I’m kind of over it already. I tried it for a few days and it turns out not to be a style of journaling that works for me at this point in my journey. You can find alllll kinds of shit online about it if you’re curious – but it’s basically a daily tracker of whatever you want to track. I currently don’t feel the need to track things daily. I am going to keep a few of the pages, like the movies watched list, and just go back to my usual/sporadic dumping entries. And I prefer blogging for now.
It’s important to have goals. Everyone knows this. When you make a goal, it helps you organize what’s in your mind and clears up the chaos. It clarifies your thinking. When you accomplish a goal, you feel… accomplished. Duh. Looking back and seeing what goals you’ve set and achieved, you can see what you’ve done with your time, you can see where you need to improve or increase effort, and you can see – especially when things don’t look so great – that you are much more capable than you give yourself credit for. (And, yeah, when I say you, I mean me. 😉 )
I’ve been thinking about this a lot today. Of course. First day of a new year and all. (Well, it’s 2am now on January 2nd but I still count it as the first cause I had a late start to my day.)
I’ve always been very hesitant to set New Year Goals and make resolutions. I wrote about that last year. I know myself and am resigned to the fact that my ‘sticktoitiveness’ is very limited. But~ thinking about the last two years and the ideas of goals that I had, I can see that I am quite able to stick to things. It’s just hit or miss, I guess. For instance, I wrote at the beginning of 2014 about how I wanted to write in my journal more. Well, I barely touched my written journal but just look at how much I’ve poured out onto this blog site! That’s more “journaling” than I’d done in the previous 10 years combined.
And then last year, I had planned to consciously not preemptively defend myself as much. I think I was fairly successful. Whether or not that new habit is working out in my favour is yet to be determined. Not the point…
I think the biggest indicator that I can accomplish something I set my mind out to do is with what I did for the Team Fireball#AYearOfTwilight thing. Starting on January 5th of last year, I had the idea that, as a group, my friends and I would post at least one Twilight-themed picture a day using the #fmsphotoaday challenge prompts on Instagram. As time went on, I had less and less help from the group and ended up doing the entire month of Decemeber with no input at all. Every day for an entire year. I didn’t miss one single day. I didn’t post past midnight (eastern time!) once. It may not be much, but I am kind of impressed with myself. I put everything I had into those posts too. I am not a person who can really half-ass it with the effort I put into something. I’m an all or nothing kind of girl. There were of course some days that I wasn’t as pleased as I could have been but even those mediocre (in my view) posts had a lot of work that went into them. And for the most part, no one had any clue JUST HOW MUCH effort I put out so that each picture looked the best it could or the amount of time I thought about how to best use the prompt relating back to Twilight. (It all goes back to Twilight, you know. LOL.)
And I did something similar with the 100 Days of Happy posts the year before. I didn’t miss a day on that one either.
So there.
I need to remind myself of all of these instances when I get that fear in me and feel defeated before I even start something. I can do things. I can see things through. I just need to decide to do them.
With that mindset, I have started a list. I plan to add to it over the course of the week(ish) as I determine what I want to do with myself going forward. Goals are good. It’s good to have focus. I need some focus right now.
That last one is in reference to a conversation I had with a friend earlier today about how we are “diamonds in the rough”/work in progress but valuable and rare nonetheless – and how not everyone deserves to have us. Only the people we love the most are deemed worthy enough to have our presence in their lives. And not to undermine our own preciousness just because someone else doesn’t see our worth.
I’m planning on writing more about each of those points later on, but it’s late now and I have to work in the morning.
There was also something I was going to add about my discovery today about bullet journals, but that will also have to wait.
There is a spot that always exists somewhere in my house. It’s kind of like Monica’s closet. You may have realized over the years that I’m a little obsessive about organizing things and being fanatical with adhering to the “a place for everything and everything in its place” adage. Even my boss noted the other day how freaky I was about cleaning up and making sure everything was how it should be. He said, “You’re house must be so clean!” Ha. If only. (For the most part, organized yes. Clean… meh.)
I wonder what these people that have that idea of me would think of my little corner of shame…
I’ve lived in this house for nine years now. When we first moved in, we had an office. One of the upstairs bedrooms was set up with our PC and a desk and all my media shit. But, as things tend to do in houses, more things were accumulated and the room was taken over with Hubby’s crap. (It’s now the home of his sports collectibles and figures.) It was also really cold in there and I wasn’t too comfortable sitting at a desk all the time. And the desktop computer finally died and we just used the laptop downstairs. At that time, I don’t think I had the same kind of crap that I do now, so ‘my space’ wasn’t as chaotic as it has grown to be.
The computer spot tended to be wherever I sat with my laptop, generally the couch, and using the printer or scanner or external hard drives or anything else related to computing would just be hooked up from the office as needed.
Then, there is the crafty part of my corner. All of the supplies I needed were kept in one of the extra room’s closests. I hardly ever used them – just the occasional birthday card or small project. Then I started making Twilight-themed stuff to sell and that blew up. The amount of space I need to do that is nuts. So that area moved from place to place too.
I finally set up a permanent spot for all of my computer-related stuff at the kitchen table for a long time. (There have been a few Instagram posts where it’s featured – such as this and this and this and this. You can literally see the mess grow.) And my craft spot was in the third of the unused bedrooms, then my bedroom, then also at the kitchen table.
The original plan for the house was to have the extra bedrooms be for the kids we never had. As time went on, the office, as I said, turned into Hubby’s collections and his music stuff, the second of the rooms was turned from ‘general dumping ground’ into my Twilight room, and the third (which had been used as Nephie’s bedroom when he stayed with us) was designated as the official guest room.
Since all three of those rooms now have specific purposes and are decorated accordingly, any remnants of ‘my shameful hoarding of things’ were moved out and downstairs to my space.
We have a room, or just a separate defined space I guess, at the front of our house that we have never had any idea what to do with. I think most people would use it as a living room but I’ve never understood the concept of two living rooms. We have our “living room” at the back, next to the kitchen, with the couch and TV and stuff. But since that area sat empty for years, we eventually added a couch but it was still basically empty. It turned out to be the right size for my craft crap.
And when we bought a new dining table, the old kitchen table with my computer set up was also temporarily moved there as well. (Temporary because we had plans to finish the basement someday and because it is NOT the ideal place to have that eyesore right at the front of the house where it’s the first thing visitors see.)
So here it sits. And so do I. This is the place I spend most of my down time. It’s a necessary part of my daily life so I can’t just get rid of it. I took these pictures to be truthful, because there are a few things in them that could be put away (the piles of paid bills do have a home to go to and the craft stuff is not as messy when there aren’t things in production) but this is how it usually looks. My not-so-secret/out-in-the-open shame.
Everyone knows (or finds out very quickly after meeting me) that I have thousands of pet peeves – arbitrary things that anger me so deeply that I wither into a raging psychopath. Yeah… I’m fun like that.
Although, in general, I do love Christmastime, this season comes with its own set of specific peeves. Here is just a tiny portion of those:
🎁 work parties
🎅🏻 canvassers
🎄 mismatched outdoor lights
🎂 neighbours lights I can see from inside my own house
❄️ grumpy shoppers
⛄️ crowds
🎁 the fact that apple cider, which I love, makes me sick
🎅🏻 when people ask you what you want and you tell them very specifically and they get something else you have no desire for – WHY DID YOU ASK THEN?!
🎄 snow drivers
🎂 snow glare
❄️ freezing, putting on a coat, getting drenched in sweat / cold sweat
⛄️ insane airfare prices
🎁 wrapping paper
🎅🏻 wet jean hems
🎄 inflatable lawn decorations
🎂 shoveling
While watching this video, something revealed itself to me.
I find Japanese trains very relaxing somehow. This seems odd. Almost an oxymoron. How can the hustle and bustle of a super busy, very cramped train relax ME, of all people?
I realize what it is. The same thing I love about Japan in general is what makes the fast pace of trains strangely comforting. Organization. It might seem like chaos to some – people rushing to and from various destinations, the speed of everything. But every moment is ritualized and planned meticulously.
It isn’t the pace of things that bothers me, although I do personally prefer to move slowly. It’s the unknown that’s upsetting. The chance something could go wrong and I would get swept up in commotion.
The orderliness of how trains are run, how stations are set up, how each person scrambling about actually knows exactly what’s going on – it all makes my heart happy and gives me a sense of peace.
Hubby took a picture of me taking a picture of the train – April 2015
The fact that I just wrote a blog post about how I love trains is hilariously ironic… for reasons I may explain at a later date. For now, just laugh with me without knowing why.
I follow a bunch of people on YouTube who live in Japan (known as J-Vloggers), mostly to pick up extra information about travel to or living there, but sometimes, because I like them and they’re just interesting people. A good chunk of them, I’ve been following for many years since I joined. One of them is Ozzy78 and every year, he does daily “advent” videos (25 videos the 25 days leading up to Christmas) based on a particular theme. This year, he’s doing popular tag challenges. He’s a funny guy and deserves more attention on YouTube. If you’re looking to add to your subscriptions, check him out.
Yesterday (although I just watched it now, because I was a few days behind), he did the TMI challenge. Since he’s been supportive of me in the past (fellow Weezer fan – he voted for me when I entered that contest way back) and has seen/commented on some of my videos, I thought I’d respond. But then… ugh, I am way too lazy to make a video. I’d have to set all that shit up and edit… (not to mention, get out of bed and take a shower)… Then I thought, I’ll just answer all the questions in writing and post it on my blog. 😏 ‘Cause I don’t have a million of these posted already, right?
A lot of the questions in this one, I’ve answered before. To make it a little bit different and because it’s the ‘Too Much Information’ quiz, I’m going to give as many uselessly long-winded answers as possible. (Feel free to stop reading at any time. This is sure to be super boring.)
Here is Oz’ video:
And here are my answers:
1.What are you wearing? fake fat pants, BD2 t-shirt I got for free at Fan Camp, socks & underwear
2. Ever been in love?
Can you imagine if I said no?! Hahaha. Poor Hubby. (The correct answer is obviously yes.)
I know there are various kinds of love and varying intensities, but it’s still hard for me to pinpoint which of the guys I had “feelings” for qualify for a label of love. I had hundreds of crushes while I was a kid. And I started early. I used to say I was in love with my playmate Matthew when I was five. I used to tell my parents I was going to marry him and carried a picture of him in my ‘purse’ after we moved away.
Then, in grade 7, I had a ‘boyfriend’ named Jeff for 3 weeks. We met at a school dance. He was a grade lower than me and I had never seen him before. He had very beautiful brown eyes. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. We never really spoke after that, except occasionally at recess. I told everybody I was in love with him. I didn’t even know him.
Apart from a few boyfriends that I never felt I loved, and didn’t last long anyway, there was one guy I was completely obsessed for about three years with but we never dated. I was convinced I was in love with him, but really had no idea what that meant. I barely knew him either. I just really wanted to ‘be in love’ like on TV and in the movies. I was in love with the idea of it and he was just the unfortunate personification of that ideal.
Only the very last boyfriend (who never even let me call him that – never made it “high school official”) do I look back on and think MAYBE you could call this love in hindsight. It was still nothing in comparison to what I believe love really is (what I have now) but it was an intense feeling for what my immature self was capable of at the time. And at least I actually sort of knew the guy this time! LOL.
3. Ever had a bad breakup?
Not really. I didn’t date much before I met Hubby. I only had three, maybe four, sort of boyfriends in high school. I say sort of because it was high school and I was …weird. Much weirder than I am now. I was scared of boys and didn’t know what to do with them. I basically only wanted the label. Let’s just say no kissing or touching was involved in most of those “relationships”. The first one broke up with me for that very reason. He said it was because we were acting like ‘just friends’. I was upset at the time because it had only been three weeks (my expiration date, apparently) and what was he expecting so soon?! Looking back, I laugh. He was very right and actually handled it really well. He’s a nice guy. I was hurt but not too bothered about it because my feelings for him were pretty platonic anyway.
The second was also not really a boyfriend. We never got to the labelling part, because it was over before it started. I was testing out the idea of dating someone I was friends with because he was interested, but again, I really liked him but only platonically. We kissed once and I freaked out and couldn’t look him in the eye again. We just stopped talking. (We ‘made up’ again months later and went back to just friends.)
The third did have the label of boyfriend. I liked him well enough, I guess. We even made out and stuff. That was fun. Then he broke up with me – again, saying we were just friends, which I adamantly call bullshit on this time – but I wasn’t very upset again, mostly because I was still obsessed with that other guy anyway. Thinking back on the situation, he had his own thing going on (being roped in and influenced by someone else) and I was the unfortunate one in that case who got caught up in their game, but I still maintain that he was a nice guy too.
Sidenote: I am Facebook friends with all of these first three guys. We don’t talk much, but they are, in fact, great guys.
The last one, the one I mentioned in the last question that maybe I did love and who wasn’t actually “my boyfriend” but just “a guy I was dating”, was not the best ending to a relationship. We were “seeing each other” for… 3 weeks (LOL) before I moved away the day after my last day of high school and then continued a long-distance relationship over the summer. Even though he never let me call him my boyfriend (red flag, hunny!), things progressed on an emotionally intimate level very quickly and mutual professions of love were made. I had my issues, yeah, but so did he. I intuitively knew, even when it was happening but didn’t want to admit it, that he was sleeping with his ex-girlfriend at the same time he was telling me on the phone that he loved me. On one hand, I get it – I was the girl who got in the way of a pre-existing relationship. They had been together for like three years or something and had only broken up a few months before he and I started talking. She was there first. On the other hand though, I will NEVER understand why he would say anything like that to me and keep me hanging on when he wasn’t even getting anything from me. ??? I was 2,500 miles away! And then… he left his parent’s house and went away to college. I called him the morning he left to say good luck, have fun, whatever. I told him I loved him and he didn’t say it back. I just KNEW I wouldn’t hear from him for awhile, even though he said it would be just a few days. He said he had no phone and had to get that hooked up when he got there. I also knew from having just moved myself that that only takes a few hours at most. He said he’d call when he could. But I didn’t hear from him for three weeks. He finally called and told me he had slept with some chick at a party. So, it wasn’t “messy” – I handled it really well in the moment – but it still fucking hurt. (Ironically, sleeping with this girl got her pregnant. They ended up dating off and on through college and he ended up marrying her. Life is funny that way. He was… not super nice, like the other guys. He’s not a bad person. Just a coward.)
So, there’s one more~~
Can a breakup be with someone you were never even dating? ‘Cause if so, then, yeah, the guy I was obsessed with was a “bad breakup”. Extremely long story short, we were friends, we ALMOST dated, he started dating someone else instead, I tried to be fine with it and still be friends for awhile, but I wasn’t and we stopped talking completely, awkwardly ignoring each other, despite a large group of mutual friends, making everyone around us uncomfortable too. Throw in some drunken declarations of love (from me), a few intense emotional conversations every few months…. It was not pretty. To this day, I don’t entirely get what happened. IF I had just been the obsessed weirdo I came across as, why didn’t he just turn me down and ignore me from the start? It seemed more than just one-sided half the time. I hated him for a long time for the constant mindfucking, but eventually got over it. We even sort of somewhat cleared the air a bit about 5 years later through Facebook (not actually discussing anything but smoothing things over for my own peace of mind). This one, I would say… NOT a nice person. And had a huge mountain of his own issues.
4. How much do you weigh?
Too much. I’m about forty pounds overweight. I hate it but I hate working out and giving up the few foods I enjoy even more. The most I have ever weighed was 167 pounds. That was in 2010. I lost 20 while I was in school, with no real effort on my part, so I’m hopeful that happens again. I’m currently less than ten pounds under my heaviest.
5. Any tattoos?
I have nine tattoos – which reminds me, I need to write up a post about my most recent one…
6. Any piercings?
I have three lobe piercings in each of my ears and one labret. I used to have the top cartridge piercing on one ear back in high school but I took it out and it closed up. I still have a bump there. I have several more mapped out and ready to do but Hubby has requested I not get them and, even though yes it’s my body and I can do whatever I want, I respect his wishes. Same reason why I’m on a tattoo hiatus too. (Well, that and money.)
OMG. I forgot! I got a forward helix piercing in my left ear last April. So, I have 8, not 7.
9. Favourite band Weezer.
You see, this is actually complicated. I love Weezer, always have and always will, but my current tastes and what I’m drawn to make me love other bands at different times and to different degrees. So, like, right now, I probably love Muse’s music more than Weezer. And I would probably say I love Bobby Long‘s music more than I love Weezer’s, but… yeah, it’s complicated.
10. Something you miss
I miss lots of things. I’ll remember something and long for it, then forget about it again for awhile. It could be something from my childhood, an item that was thrown away by my parents or something I lost. It can be a product that went out of production – makeup and toiletries are a particular source of angst. A group of various things I miss frequently are things from Japan. Some of them are things I encountered while we were there (food items mostly) but sometimes, it’s something I’ve never experienced personally and only read about online or seen in documentaries or movies. (You can totally miss something you’ve never had!)
The thing I miss most right in this moment is one of those never seen before myself things. I wish so hard that I had a kotatsu! We just had our first snow of the season last night and I’m sitting here on my couch, under a blanket, eating mandarin oranges, and it would be much much better and … merrier… to be sitting under a kotatsu.
11.Favourite song
This is always a hard one to answer. It changes with my mood (which is to say, often). I’d say, right now, my favourite song is Aftermath by Muse. I have a strong pull towards it. I wrote briefly about how two of Muse’s albums inspired pretty detailed story ideas in my mind, one of them – Drones, the latest album – actually gave me two very different plots. This song is pivotal for both of those plots. I can see my stories in my head, better yet FEEL them, when I listen to it.
12. Quality you look for in a partner
“Must love Christmas” Hahahaha.
When I was in high school and, like I said already, had no idea what a relationship was really about, I made up a very extensive ‘wish list’ of qualities my perfect boyfriend needed to have. I made several different versions of it actually. On all of them, one of the very first qualities listed was that he must love Christmas (and/or snow). IDK why that was so important to my teenage self.
Now, I would say (even though I’m not looking) that all the cliché things are the most important – sense of humour, kind, responsible, etc. All the things Hubby is. 🙂 What I’m most drawn to at this point in my life is talent and that something extra – a thinker-type of personality – someone that wants something more out of life.
13. Favourite quote
I can never think of a good answer for this question. And watching Oz’s answers before this threw me off. Now I can only think of something from The Simpsons too! Haha. Something I say quite often, impersonating the tone Homer used, is “I’m somewhere where I don’t know where I am“. He said it in my favourite of the Halloween specials, Homer3, when he fell into another dimension through a portal behind a bookcase. I say it when I’m lost or in an unfamiliar place.
Note: After walking away from this for several days, I remembered one of my favourite sayings. Words to live by!
14. Favourite actor
15. Favourite colour
16. Where do you go when you’re sad?
This is kind of a strange question. Logically, I know it’s asking if there is a physical space I retreat to when I’m sad that makes me feel better, but I don’t really. I guess because I feel down quite often and just try to ignore it and continue with life. I go to work, I sit on the couch and watch TV, I stay in bed. None of those make me feel better. It’s just the same things I do when I’m feeling okay. I get on with it. IF there were a place I could go to make me feel less sad… I honestly don’t know what that would be. It’s not like I can hop on a bus and go to La Push or somewhere in Japan. I assume those places would at least give me a peaceful feeling despite being sad. I think any place with natural beauty would at least stun me enough for a distraction.
17. How long does it take you to shower?
At least 25 minutes. In my defence, I have sensory problems and can’t leave until I feel everything is rinsed off completely. And shaving takes a lot of time. And I have to comb the conditioner through, which is even more difficult right now because the bleach strips make my hair insanely tangled.
18. Have you ever been in a physical fight?
No. Thankfully. I’d fold so hard so fast.
19. Turn on
raspy, deep voice with a British accent
guys who play the piano or guitar (well)
20. Turn off
uncleanliness, cruelty
21. Why did you join YouTube?
Obviously, these questions were supposed to be answered in video form. I’ll answer it as-is as well as pertaining to blogging.
I joined YouTube initally to start posting my own informational videos with travel tips specifically for Japan. I watched a lot of videos before I signed up for an account. My favourite videos then are the same type that are still my favourites now. I don’t live in Japan myself so I like to watch as much as possible from people that did because it’s as close as I could get. Japanese language videos are also a frequently viewed type. I attemped making a few, but OMG, they are a lot of work! I have a ton of footage from both of my Japan trips and a lot of ideas for language videos but I haven’t really gotten around to either. The only videos I ever put much effort into and actually posted are Hubby and I doing Japanese Kit Kat taste tests.
Another reason was also so that I could interact with the people whose videos I watched often. I did comment on things way back in the day, but I hardly ever do that now.
Then, I made a second YouTube account to share the music of the concerts I went to and to keep it separate from my Japanese fandom stuff.
As for blogging, I started and still do it purely as an online journal. Maybe 5% of what I post is actually read by other people. Maybe it’s strange, but I actually re-read my own stuff over and over. I don’t think it’s narcissism or being self-absorbed (arguable, I suppose) but more to thoroughly know myself. Or… I am just self-obsessed. I’m okay with that.
22. Fears
This is also hard for me to answer. I am not sure I’m aware of what I’m afraid of. I know I hate bugs and going to the dentist, but other things, I don’t really think of unless they are in my face or happening at the time. Worries and fears are different things. I worry about a lot of things often but things that I’m legitimately afraid of, I don’t think about until I’m in the moment. For example, I wouldn’t think I was afraid of a serial killer. It’s not something that comes to mind when you talk about fears or something I think ever about. Even if I do think about it, the thinking part doesn’t stir feelings of fear. When I watch Criminal Minds or something, I don’t feel scared that that could happen to me. But, I did an escape room with some friends where we were trying to get out without a serial killer murdering us. I logically knew it was fake and that I wasn’t in danger at all. And yet… when the lights went out and the actor popped up in my face with a chainsaw, I was fucking terrified. And I didn’t let it go after the ordeal was over. For several weeks afterwards, I was afraid of the dark and felt traumatized anytime I remembered it. Even now, months later, it pops up in my mind and I get upset. And it ruined the fun of escape rooms for me. I don’t like them anymore. Such a shame because I like puzzles.
23.When was the last time you cried?
Hmmm. I’m trying to think if I have cried since filling out the last quiz I posted. Probably. I cry a lot, especially lately.
Oh, right. On Saturday, I was having a rough morning and left late for work. I realized I hadn’t brought my coat with me and would need it after my shift to go home since Hubby wasn’t able to pick me up so I started crying out of frustration.
24.When was the last time you said you loved someone?
A few minutes ago when Hubby went up to bed without me. (He’s feeling sick tonight. Poor baby.) We’re annoyingly sweet with how much we tell the other we love them. I don’t think we’re one of those couples that make you want to puke when you’re around them though. I think we strike a good balance of being affectionate and funny. Actually, most people wouldn’t even see how cute we can be.
25. What is the meaning of your YouTube name?
My YouTube name and my blog name (and my Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, etc. names) are the same. K is my first initial, Mah is my last name and 88 is my favourite number. (Or, 8 is but double 8s are better. It’s a Chinese lucky/superstition thing.) Contrary to what many people might think, I was NOT born in 1988. I’m a bit older than that. 😉
26. What was the last book you read?
Gonna have to check my Kindle app for that. Hold please~
Ah. It was Pucked by Helena Hunting. I thought so.
It used to be a Twilight fan fiction story called The Misapprehension of Bella Swan (Regarding the Inferior Intellect of Hockey Whores) and Helena Hunting was one of my favourite fic writers (Clipped Wings & Inked Armor, also now an original fiction novel series, is one of my favourite fics of all time and was one of the five that started off my short-lived fan fiction review post series). Helena has turned her three most popular (if not, only?) fics into novels. The Librarian Principle is a stand alone story that I never read as a fic – I think it was called The iMac Fiasco – but I have read the book. The other two (CW&IA and MofBS) have been expanded on greatly from the original stories and are now series – the ‘Clipped Wings’ and ‘Pucked’ series respectively. I love her books. I’m so happy that she’s found success in book writing beyond our Twilight fan fiction fandom. (I’ve met her too. She doesn’t live too far from me and came by to drop off some donations to the Team FireballFic Chat, which floored me actually. She’s super sweet and as funny as you would expect her to be from her writing.)
Despite the fact that I love escaping into other worlds and experiencing fictitious characters’ emotions, I don’t read very much. I’m not entirely sure why. Laziness is the easy answer, but it’s something more than that that I haven’t yet pinned down. I have a bad habit of starting things and not finishing them.
27. What book are you currently reading?
The second book in the Pucked series, Pucked Up.
I was also reading Harry Potter and Half-Blood Prince. (And by “reading” (in this case), I mean, listening to on audio book.) I never read them before so this is the first time going through the books. I really love them but I’m so slow. Even just listening. I seriously don’t know what that’s about… One day, if I figure it out, I’m sure there will be a post about it. Haha.
28. What is the last show you watched?
My favourite show – Japanology. I’ve mentioned it before. It’s a documentary style show, each week, delving into a certian aspect of Japanese culture. It’s been in production since 2008, first as Begin Japanology, then revamped in 2014 as Japanology Plus. I’ve seen every episode available online (a few are missing over the years) at least a few times. I’ve learned SO MUCH from them. I’m actually marathoning old episodes right now as I write.
If you’re asking what show I last watched on TV, that would have to be the latest episode of The Vampire Diaries. I’m actually quite pleased with the season so far. That’s good. The last three or so have been a huge letdown. It’ll be nice if they can keep this up thoughout the season since it’s their last one.
Now, if you’re asking which show I marathoned last and finished… Hubby and I just finished up the first four seasons of Elementary just before the current season started. It’s been more enjoyable than I thought it would be. That we are now watching season 5 and I’m still liking it says something.
And as for a show I recently watched that isn’t on the air anymore (a completed show)…. I’ll have to think for a second. I guess it would be Containment. That was a one-season only show on The CW network. I liked it. It’s too bad there wasn’t a way to continue it. Especially because Chris Wood is really easy on the eyes. I liked him when he was on TVD for a season, even though no one else really agreed with me. His character was despicable but I liked him. Funnily enough, a few actors who were in the cast for Containment are now on TVD. The CW has this whole family swapping thing going on.
And then… there is anime. I’m not sure if that counts, but since I watch as much anime as I do regular TV shows, I say it does. And since Hubby actually has an interest in it now too, he watches with me – in Japanese, no less. We’ve been watching quite a bit lately. We just finished Inari Konkon Koi Iroha which was alright as far as storyline goes but had lovely background animation, which is why I started it to begin with. It takes place in and around one of my favourite places in the whole world, Fushimi Inari Taisha in Kyoto. Gorgeous.
I pick shows up a lot and drop them just as quickly. I think I might be too picky. I will only watch if there is some aspect of the character development that grabs me.
29. Favourite food
That’s simple. Mashed potatoes. Throw in a nice top sirloin steak (well done) and I’m a very happy lady. I’m easy though. I’ll take roast turkey and gravy too. Some stuffing and corn. Yes, please.
I have favourite Japanese food too. You would think sushi, right? It’s good, but I like snacks. Korokke (コロッケ) are my favourite, as long as they aren’t too greasy. And I love taiyaki (たいやき).
30. Place you want to visit
Japan, duh. I want to see more places that I haven’t yet been to there – Osaka, Nagano, Kobe, Hiroshima, several place in Hokkaido, Shikoku (particularly the 88 temples), and of course I want to go back to most of the places I’ve already been to explore more thoroughly, like Nikko, Kamakura, Kyoto, and all over Tokyo some more.
I also want to see China and Korea and go back to Hong Kong. I want to go to Europe – the UK, France, Italy, Greece… I hope at some point in my life, I can at least make it to some of these places.
31. Last place you visited
I’m not going to count Toronto. That’s too close, although we treat it like a special trip every time we go downtown. The last place I travelled to was Portland/Forks. I was quite pleased with the trip this time around. There are always a few letdowns each time I go for a multitude of reasons probably because I look forward to it all year and build it up in my mind and have such high expectations. This year, there was the inescapable drama that comes with several women travelling together but the highlight for me was the hikes we went on. I got to see more nature, and since I’ve been all about nature lately, that made me really happy. The Pacific Northwest is the most beautiful place I’ve ever been in North America. It’s not quite as majestic as Banff, I guess, but I love the simplicity of the PNW. It’s more understated.
32. Do you have a crush?
I answered this one recently in another quiz and I don’t think I have much to add to that answer. I think what I said was perfect. “I think of elevated admiration as a crush.”
I have crushes on people who embody some aspect I want to cultivate in myself. I think they are cool or smart or funny or talented. Interesting and apart from the norm in some way. Right now, my non-romantic crushes are on Simon and Martina. They are just so stinking cute and they seem super cool. I want to be them or be friends with them.
As for romantic crushes, other than Hubby, the only other person I have had any type of more than platonic feelings towards in the last decade or so is Rob Pattinson. And he’s a celebrity, so… who knows if he really is who is portrays himself as, right? I’ll never know and honestly, truly, never want to! He seems to be everything I just said for crush material (cool, smart, funny, talented) as well as the fact that I think he’s super hot.
33. Last time you kissed someone
This afternoon when Hubby left for work. I don’t think I kissed him when he got home, just in case he’s infectious.
34. Last time you were insulted
… I think it’s probably a good thing I can’t remember. I’m not going to think about it too hard because, if it’s not on my mind, I don’t want it to be. It’s not good to keep negativity in your focus.
I’m quite sensitive and feel insulted or slighted or hurt a lot. Probably multiple times a day. But the good side of that is that I also let it go pretty quickly. Everything is pretty minor.
35. Favourite flavour of sweet
Weird question. Wouldn’t it make more sense to just say favourite sweet? That changes the meaning completely. To make it easier on my literal brain and to stop me from going off an a tanget about diction and language, I’ll answer it both ways.
I guess my favourite flavour of sweet is matcha. At least, it’s the most widespread variety of things flavoured in one way. Like, I like matcha itself, a bunch of other drinks, ice creams, cakes, cookies, other sweets – all matcha flavoured. To compare, I like vanilla but mostly only in cake. I like actual chocolate but not really chocolate-flavoured things. I like almond for cookies. I can’t really think of other flavours I like for sweets. I guess sesame or kinako counts for some Japanese things. I like mango, but pretty much only in smoothie form and that doesn’t count as a sweet.
If you want to know what my favourite sweet is, without getting linguistically complicated like that, I love cupcakes. That’s easy enough. I like cake and cookies. Not a huge fan of pastries or things like that. There aren’t a lot of western style sweets that are coming to mind. Japanese is much, much easier. Like I said before, I like taiyaki. I also like buns of various kinds. Dorayaki is a nice treat. If Japanese crepes and waffles count, those are awesome. I enjoy mochi too. (I just had a kinako flavoured daifuku the other day in Toronto and it was the best thing I’ve put in my mouth in a long time.) I’ve never been fortunate enough to try wagashi, but I am pretty sure I know what it tastes like and I really really want some!
If you want to know my favourite candy, which of course, in my mind, is not a “sweet” – that would be either Peach Slices or Swedish Berries. Or Smarties. (All Canadian things.) Or Pop Rocks. I LOVE pop rocks!
36. Do you play any instruments?
I used to play the piano years ago and if I had the money, I would buy one and take lessons again. I adore the piano.
I played the trumpet for one year in high school but I wasn’t very good. I played the saxophone when I lived in Pennsylvania but I sucked really hard. I played the recorder but that doesn’t count because doesn’t everybody?
I wish I could play the guitar and the ukulele. (I bought one and tried to teach myself but it hurt my fingers too much! I’m delicate. LOL.) I would also love to learn the cello or violin.
And I would give anything to learn how to play the shamisen, koto, shakuhachi and/or taiko. They are all on my bucket list.
37. Favourite piece of jewelry
I love the necklace Hubby gave me for our first Christmas together. It was a wonderful gift. It’s just a simple chain with six hearts on it, but he wrote a fairytale to go along with it. It was about a prince (him) who had to go through trials to find the “six brilliant hearts”, which all represented something, to earn the heart of the princess (me, obvs). So sweet. (I knew fairly early on that he was a keeper.)
I thought I lost it once. I had worn it to work and taken it off because sometimes the clasp gets stuck in my hair. I put it in my bag but when I looked for it later, it wasn’t there. I thought it must have fallen out. I cried. I was so upset! I actually found it weeks later, IN my bag where I had left it, but stuck on something so it didn’t come out.
And I love my wedding ring. It’s so pretty!
I actually don’t wear jewelry much. I have a few nice things, but because of sensory annoyance, I don’t put them on often. I don’t even wear my wedding ring all the time. I only put it on when I leave the house. There was a period of time where I did wear it constantly, because… this is actually the second one, almost identical to the first. I lost the first one. (I bawled my eyes out when I realized.) I’ll never know exactly what happened to it, but I think it fell out of my pocket when I went to wash my hands after using the bathroom somewhere (got stuck on my earbuds which I also put in my pocket). Or some creepy guy did one of those slight of hand things on me, because I remember having a very strange encounter that day but I don’t remember him touching me (with my knowledge). Or… someone stole it. Regardless, it’s gone. And Hubby was extremely understanding. I think he realized how awful I felt so he didn’t give me shit for being careless. And he replaced it. AND bought a matching band to go with it! (At that point, I only had a European style single solitaire band.) Anyway, when I got the new one, I didn’t take it off, even to shower – although I hate that feeling. Eventually though, I got complacent and started taking it off again. I probably did that because my fingers have a tendency to swell up and I had to but it actually feels safer.
38. Last sport you played
I can’t even remember. I don’t play sports. Ever. I HATE sports.
I’m gonna say volleyball at my work summer party in 2001. I can’t imagine anyone peer pressured me into displaying my lack of skill again after that.
39. Last song you sang
Carol of the Bells by Pentatonix. I’m obsessed with it right now. I will continue to play it (and sing along) until Christmas is over. (And this one too.)
40. Favourite pick-up line
This question is asked a lot in quizzes. What’s up with that? I’ve answered it too but, honestly, I don’t have one. In general, pick up lines are stupid. There are the occasional one that I might hear in passing somewhere that gives me a smile, but nothing that I actually remember enough to say it’s “my favourite”. I can’t even think of a good one right now. I just prefer people to be straightforward and say what they mean.
41. Have you ever used it?
Ummmm…
I was never in that scene where pick up lines were needed. I didn’t date much, or… at all, inbetween the ending of high school/summer after and meeting Hubby. I went out to bars and stuff but the few guys that attempted to talk to me didn’t use any lines. Mostly, they stayed away from me. I wasn’t hideous back then. Probably even a little bit cute? But I was always with my cousins who were a lot older and their boyfriends who treated me like a little sister, and my brother. Not very approachable. Plus, I’m convinced I gave off a vibe that told them not to bother. I didn’t look like the kind of innocent that they could take advantage of. More like the kind of innocent that would be no fun because of the fear that went with the inexperience. I was never ‘doe-eyed’.
And I would never have used a pick-up line seriously! I couldn’t even go up to a guy I found attractive and say hi. I just admired (creepy stared at) from the corner. The ONE time I asked a guy to dance at some party thing, he basically treated me like a Kindergartener. I was 19 at the time and he told me he was only 23 or something (I forget, but he told me). But I looked about 14. Curse of my life. (Probably protected me, actually.)
When I finally met and clicked with Hubby, there was no “picking up”. It wasn’t an attraction to a stranger and ask them out kind of thing. We were basically set up on a blind date. Thank goodness, because I’m sure I’d be a lonely old maid (who looks 25) by now if we hadn’t met. I was hopeless but fate intervened and helped me out.
There. Now you know more than you could possibly ever want to know about me! Entirely too much information. And not even of the embarrassing, squeamish, fun kind. Sorry about that.
Note: This has taken me about twelve hours to do… That’s a record for time wasted filling out an internet quiz.
Note 2: If you are not bored yet but that was your goal, click the “quizzes” tab across the top of this site to read allllll the ones I’ve ever posted on my blog. There are a lot.
No matter what is going wrong in the world right now, everything will be okay – because I have frosted sugar cookies. 😀 I’ll probably regret eating them within ten minutes and I’m sure they greatly contribute to the fact that I’m forty pounds overweight… but while they are in my mouth, life is bliss.
I don’t like to talk to people anymore. I keep forgetting that and trying to because, well, it’s gets lonely in your own little world. But living in your own world, on a different plane from other people, is insanely frustrating! When I do attempt to talk to other people, I feel like we are having two different conversations.
What is it about the societal conventions of conversation that make people respond with unrelated things just for something to say? I will never understand that.
My own insecurities don’t help matters either. I don’t know if I’m just out of the habit of making small talk but it’s terrifying now. I never know what to say or how to respond or even how to just stand there without being super awkward. It takes so much effort to do this weird dance everyone else seems to have no problem with and it’s exhausting. I want to try less and less and less.
Face-to-face has always been difficult so I resorted to mostly talking online for many years. Now even that is strained. I just don’t relate to anyone anymore.
These questions were taken from this blog. I like to reflect back on my own favourite things from time to time. It’s good to take note of the little things in life that make you happy.
Favourite type of day: relaxing adventure days – That might seem like an oxymoron, but I love the days where we go exploring somewhere new and cool, and get to take our time. When we indulge in our favourite spots and find hidden gems. Where it’s a break from the mundane everyday but still low key.
Favourite part of the day: It seems odd to say since I hate transitioning from sleep to wakefulness and because I rarely ever get to experience it properly, but I love the very early morning, just starting the day. It’s not the same when I’ve been awake all night, mostly because I’m absorbed in something and miss it or I’m too tired. But those very rare times when I’ve woken up early and have no obligations or have woken up much earlier than I need to and have time to sit and relax with a cup of tea and enjoy the quiet and the light. I love morning light. And morning air. And morning sounds. There is a stillness that doesn’t happen at any other point in the day. I wish I had the self-discipline to work that experience into my daily routine.
Favourite treats: a hot cup of tea, new jeans, cupcakes, bubble tea, sleeping in, a massage, lunch at Sushi Inn
Favourite surprises: Hmmmmm. I don’t think I actually like surprise surprises. I don’t like to be caught off guard. But I love surprises with advance knowledge. Like a friend coming to visit with time to prepare for it.
I like it when my boss makes me sushi. ;P
I just read this in an article: “Perception is often not reality, but it is often taken as such.”
That sums up EXACTLY what’s been on my mind the past few months. People tell themselves stories about everything – who they are, who others are, how others perceive them, what others’ intentions are. We can’t pinpoint a percentage of how often these stories are correct. I would wager than no one is ever 100% correct in an assumption. Even what you tell yourself about your own life and behaviour is probably somewhat askew.
I have been very bothered in the past when I’ve realized someone has perceived something I said or did in a way that was not what I intended. I caught glimpses of another person’s “story” they’ve told themself (and too often shared with others behind my back) about me. I really wanted to fix these misconceptions. That’s been something I’ve really struggled with. But sadly, it’s impossible most of the time. People are going to think whatever they want and I think it’s actually really rare for you to change their mind. Plus, it’s exhausting and emotionally draining trying to clean up messes or even to just contemplate what other people might be thinking about you. I’ve decided that I’m just going to let people think whatever they want about me. I have to be secure enough in who I am and stand by my actions, interpreted the way I intended or not, to not worry about it. I’m not responsible for other people’s perceptions. Only my own.
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