Changeable

I’m just sitting here, scrolling through my own shit on my blog, re-reading old stuff. ‘Cause, why not? Who else is gonna be interested in the drivel I spew? No one. That’s who.

(If I seem a bit bitter, that’s because… I am. Or maybe sad. I’m in that frame of mind where it feels like nobody in this whole world has any interest in who I actually am. Even the people who claim to love me. Even my own husband, wonderful as he is, seems as though he thinks listening to me is tiresome.

Full disclosure, my period is coming and I may be feeling extra sorry for myself. LOL. But… like… why will no one interact with me for more than 5 minutes?! That’s all I want in life. For someone to be genuinely interested in everything I say and do. Is that too much to ask?!?! Hahahahaha. ….Bella has no idea just how lucky she is.)

Anyway~

In my re-reading, I just came across the chunk of time where I was so into fan fiction. And I had mentioned how much things had changed for me…

For example: WIPs

Wow. Nothing in comparison to the changes that were to follow.

It’s weird because my fic infatuation sprouted from my love of Twilight. I still love Twilight as much as I did right from the beginning but… honestly, I have totally lost interest in fan fiction. I’m back to where I was in the very early stages. I don’t care about stories outside Stephenie’s universe. I don’t want other people’s interpretations.

But I’ve actually regressed even further than that. I was just saying to my friend the other day that the… uh, explicit nature I once enjoyed… has shriveled up and died in me! I am a total prude now. I don’t know what happened. It kind of gross. Smut squicks me out.

Very weird. I did not foresee this happening.

There was a point (2016ish?) where I was actually trying to write my own fic story that was basically all sex. It was a drabble (100-200 word “chapters”) and I had posted up to 36. I had the rest of it, minus a chunk in the middle, all written. But I lost my mojo for a bit and took a break. When I came back to it, the porniness of it was so cringey, I couldn’t even read it!

I just deleted it from my account the other day, along with almost everything else. I left up my original one-shot (also the very first Twilight-related post I made on this blog), one other one-shot/highlight scene that I still actually like, and the first chapter of my post-Breaking Dawn/Jake-Renesemee story, which coincidentally was my first even attempt at fan fiction. I may still pull those too.

I have an inkling that this lack of interest, which actually doesn’t just stop at fic, is likely a symptom of the ever-present depression. I enjoy less and less these days.

Since coming home from Japan… This is actually hard for me to say. I’m not excited about it. Like… I kind of want nothing to do with it right now. I thought that would just be for a few weeks while I “recovered” but, here we are more than 8 months later… Maybe that’s why I’ve been having such a hard time editing the videos.

Please don’t take Twilight away from me! I need SOMETHING!!!

But… Even parts of Midnight Sun. I have been struggling a bit to read. There are parts where the romance is pukey or even the story is boring… Like I just don’t care. That should be a huge warning sign.

I think that’s another reason why I get so sad when I can’t engage people to talk about Twilight shit with me. I don’t mean random people on the street. I mean my Twi-friends. The people who love it as much (🤨) as I do.

I posted that thing on Facebook and also a similar bunch or questions with the picture on Instagram and they both got a lot of likes but just one person commented. I’m so disappointed. Although… I expected it.

I don’t know about the prudey thing though. No idea where that comes from.

Is being grossed out also a symptom?

Hmm. I hadn’t considered that until right now

It’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore.

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