I think I’m just about ready to give up. There’s not much left. I could get a job but it would just be another thing I hate doing and another thing to make me miserable. A way to pass the time with no actual benefit. I don’t want to have a baby because I can’t let myself be responsible to one more person. It’s just another person to let down. Another tie that I don’t want.

More and more I think it would be the right thing for me to do. Everyone would be better off. He could have the life he was supposed to have. He could find someone to take care of him and do all the things he deserves. Someone to adore who adores him back. He could be a father like he is supposed to be. 

My family and I have very loose ties anyway. I’d just be that sad spot in their life that everyone has. Someone they could remember once a year. There would be no horrible long term effects.

The only one is Nephie. His life is already so sad. How can I make that worse? It will be better when he’s older. So I guess I’ll wait a bit more.