Random Thoughts 6

Why do people think ‘ignorance is bliss’. Have they never experienced the joy that comes with finally understanding something?

Posted in personal | Leave a comment

Drained

I think I could do a lot of really cool things in life, but I just don’t have the energy. Basically, I have lists of all the amazing things I either have desire to achieve or ideas to bring to fruition, but don’t because… nah, that would be way too much work. I’m too tired.

I might see a person who seems to be kind of awesome and never speak to them because attempting friendship takes so much effort.

Posted in personal | Leave a comment

Random Thoughts 5

Do things really “have a way of working out” or are we just conditioned to eventually accepting what happens to us and see the good in the way things end up?

Are we just genetically wired to be eternally optimistic?

I think it’s just too sad and scary to know we have very little control.

Posted in personal | Tagged | Leave a comment

Stressed

I hate feeling this way. And I hate that no one understands how I feel. Not even me. I have so much going on inside me but it’s locked away. I can’t let it out no matter how much I may want to.

It’s like someone has scrubbed me all over, inside and out, with sandpaper and then thrown me into a pool of acid. I am on the verge of tears constantly. It makes it very hard to enjoy anything else. I try to push the negativity aside to deal with later so that I can be a part of the good things going on around me, but they won’t be ignored.

My stomach is in knots and I can’t keep the little food I manage to swallow inside me. I toss and turn, trying to fall asleep, only to be jerked awake again when I finally get there. My skin is crawling and my whole body feels like it’s burning. I can’t breathe.

I feel totally pathetic for getting so worked up over things everyone else just does with no issue. I know I need to be a grown up and contribute but I desperately do not want to. The more I try, the more I want to hide away in my house and never speak to anyone else ever again.

image

I feel you, Bella.

Posted in personal | Tagged | 1 Comment

Pain

image

A recent thing I realized about myself: I kind of like pain.

I have always said I fear pain and avoid it at all costs. There is some truth to that. But, as with most aspects of my life, there is an inverse truth.

I do NOT like getting hurt. I don’t like unexpected pain. Dropping something on my foot, biting my cheek… Not cool! The idea of surgery terrifies me. I don’t want to get in a physical fight with anyone. I HATE that I have some sort of inexplicable illness/disorder that makes my stomach hurt. I don’t like being ill. These are all types of pain I try to avoid.

I like self-inflicted pain. I mean this in both the creepy way you just thought I meant AND in a less scary way. In general, I like the pain I can control.

As for the creepy…   Confession – I have hurt myself on purpose because I find the sensation sort of comforting. The sharp jab of digging into my skin. Maybe one day I’ll do a long, involved post about my conquered OCD problem, but for now I’ll just say that I will only very recently admit the fact that there was a small amount of pleasure I derived from making myself bleed. Not meaning the emotional punishment I later realized I was exacting on myself. An actual physical enjoyment from the pain of it.

The somewhat-less creepy but still maybe a bit deviant methods of self-controlled pain include the tattoos and the piercings. I am by no means heavy on either of these. And I can’t speak for other people, but most of whom I’ve spoken to say they don’t enjoy the pain part of these but do it for the results and that it’s worth it afterwards. There have got to be a lot of people who do like it though. I think I’m subdued in the amount of pain I enjoy. Too much isn’t fun. Just a little bit.

image

What brought about this realization was a conversation I had with my friend and our shared piercer guy when she was getting holes punched in her face. We were talking about the difference between tattoos and piercings. It seems that most (of our friends, at least) prefer ink over metal but I said lately, I’m leaning more towards the piercings. I would fill myself up if I didn’t feel held back by Hubby’s preferences and lack of money. I said the reason was that tattoos have a limit. You only have so much skin you can cover until you run out of space but a piercing you can take out, let heal, do it again, move it around, etc. Plus they are smaller so you can do more. There is also the added bonus that getting pierced is less expensive than getting tattooed and coming up with a design and deciding on placement, etc. is much more involved for tattoos. I have vague plans for a bunch of tattoos I’d like in the future but I know EXACTLY which piercings I want and where.

So, literally as the words were coming out of my mouth, I put two and two together. I like the idea that you can get the piercing and experience that pain, then potentially take it out and do it again. Over and over again.

The piercer told us about the “most tattooed guy in the world”, who was pictured on the wall behind my friend’s head, and how he would black out his skin completely to essentially be one big tattoo, then go over it in white, then black again, and so forth, therefore doing with ink what I had just thought about with holes.

There is also a difference after both tattoos and piercings are healed. Once your tattoo stops scabbing, itching, flaking, it’s pretty much set in your skin and you can forget you have it other than when you look at it. Piercings, on the otherhand, can provide that tiny little bit of pain as long as the metal is attached to you. Ever snag a piece of jewelry and feel that sharp pull? If it’s accidental, booooooo. If you’re feeling anxious, however, pulling on the ring in your lip can be comforting.

Sidenote: I know the piercer guy gets this. I follow him on Facebook. He’s into some intense shit. My appreciation for pain is NOWHERE NEAR that level.

Another revelation the more I thought about this was it’s not just physical pain I ‘torture’ myself with. Think about my tastes in books, movies, music, etc…. I like to be emotionally tortured too. The best stories are the ones that squeeze my heart and shred it apart.

Again, all within my control though. I never want someone else to hurt me without my permission.

Hmmm… I’d make a good sub, no? Hahaha.

Posted in personal | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Analyze This

A few of my friends and I have been sharing and analyzing the bizarre dreams we’ve been having lately. It’s fun to try to figure out the subconscious meaning behind what the symbology might mean.

I personally have recurring themes popping up a lot and I can usually attribute it to how I’ve been feeling or what is going on in my life at the time. A lot of it seems to be my subconscious mind trying to convince me to do something my conscious mind is already aware of but reluctant to do. For example, when I know I need to unload my emotions in regards to a particular issue, I dream about poop and public bathrooms and lack of privacy and shit (*snort*) like that. Fairly common stuff. You can Google that kind of thing and it’ll pretty much lay it out for you. I have the spitting out my teeth or my mouth full of sand (or something worse) dream a lot too.

It’s interesting to me that a lot of the symbology stuff is universal and not personal. Like our brains are hardwired to associate body function with a corresponding emotion. Or water, or cars, or flying… all themes that have universal and fairly straightforward meaning.

But then we all have those dreams that, when we finally wake up, we think, “what the fuck?!”

I had a dream yesterday morning that stuck with me all day. I kept thinking about it and seeing it replay and re-experiencing the emotions. I hate those dreams you can’t shake. Unless they are funny ones. Or ones that ‘would make a good book‘. But this one was neither of those. I guess it was a nightmare. Not in the typical sense that I saw or experienced anything extremely upsetting or scary. But I jolted awake, drenched in sweat, heart pounding, and gasping. You know, like they do on TV. And I was scared. Not terrified, per se. But feeling unsettled and quite confused.

I will preface this retelling by saying this dream occurred between snoozes and my alarm clock is located in my bathroom about 10 steps away from the foot of my bed.

A bunch of stuff happened preceding, but it’s either irrelevant or I’d forgotten it already. So, I was standing at my bedroom door, just inside, facing the hallway. There is a small linen closet right outside my door. And my bedroom door was open about a foot, like it actually was in reality. I could see the door of the closet and I noticed that there were some sort of decorations on it – seemed to be educational materials like you would see in a preschool. I realized this wasn’t right so I knew I must be dreaming. I blinked my eyes and then they were gone and the lighting changed a bit.

20160512_163954

So I had woken up. Or so I thought. It was inception! A dream within a dream. I remember thinking it was odd that, other then the out of place decorations, everything looked exactly right. I hardly ever dream about my current house or any kind of environment accurately at all. Something is always different. It was very unusual for me.

Then all a sudden, I felt alert and uneasy, like something…. sinister… was in the hallway and quickly approaching me. I tried to shut the door as quickly as I could but there was some sort of unseen force pushing back against it. Like a really strong wind or something. I couldn’t feel movement of air but I could hear a faint rushing sound. Actually, it sounded like wind should sound but as if my ears were clogged or it was far away instead of right up in my face. And it felt like I was trying to push two like magnets together.

I gave up quickly, deciding instead of fighting something I couldn’t win against and losing time to escape, I would run to the bathroom and lock myself in. Which I did. I was then standing behind my bathroom door, much like I had just been at the bedroom door, but this time it was closed and locked.

By now, I was terrified. I knew I was running from something, but I didn’t know what it was. I backed away a few steps, but then I realized I hadn’t closed and locked the door, I had only put a barrette in my hair. (?!?!?)  I thought, “Wait. What? This isn’t right.” Again.  And told myself, “Ah, crap. You’re still dreaming.”

Then I actually heard my own voice outside of myself. Not a thought inside my head. But it was like how they do it on TV. Like I knew I was asleep and heard my awake self talking to me. It was muffled like that. It was also layered with sound effects to make it sound creepy. And holy shit, it was! Like, my regular voice and then my voice again on top of it at a higher speed and pitch and again at a lower speed and pitch (like worn out batteries – one of the most nightmarish sounds I can think of). It was all at the same time though. I was saying, “Wake up. Waaaaaake uuuuuuuu-uuuuup” in that scary as shit, sing-songy voice.

While that was happening, I had turned to face back out of the wide open door and looking at my bed. Potentially, I was looking at myself sleeping, but thankfully, it was realistic and, from that vantage point, all I saw was my bunched up blanket.

Then my body (me, with the awareness, not the obscured sleeping counterpart) started rising up to the ceiling, like I was being pulled from my lower back. I was pitched forward so that I was in “proper flying position” rather than vertical. I was really freaked out by this. I didn’t want to not be firmly on the ground. I wanted to go back down but I had no control over it. Then I started being pulled towards my bed. Nope! Nope! Nope! I guess my subconscious thought that was too much for me and pushed the emergency stop button because that’s when I woke up.

Yeah.
So, what the fuck?

Not a clue what any of that means or what spawned it.

P.S. Thank you oh-so-much to my classmates that suggested the “Unknown Room” at Escape Games. My friends and I tried it a few weeks ago and were successful but I have PTSD now. It was fun (I think) but I’m scarred for life. I have nightmares every night.

Posted in personal | Tagged , | 1 Comment

Harbour

Being tossed in a wind storm,
battered from every angle,
pelted and drenched from daggers of rain,
not knowing on which side my balance will be lost –

He is my solidity,
holding me in place and anchoring me with his strength.
The warmth of his arms
and the calming effect of his touch
give me the refuge I didn’t know I needed.

LxohbUQ.jpg

Posted in personal | Tagged , | Leave a comment

It’s Good to Be the Queen… Or Would Be

I just read a blog post about ridiculous things to have done for you if you were the Queen (’cause apparently Lizzie has someone to break in her shoes for her).

queens shoes.jpg

The author of said post said she would have people doing mostly cleaning things. So, what crazy things would I forfeit doing in favour of having someone do for me? I thought about it for a few minutes. Sadly, the top things on my list are all personal care and hygiene related.

Someone to do all my cooking, obviously.
Someone to make sure I always have a fresh cup of tea.
Someone to wake me up, force me to work out, then shower, pick out my clothes for me, do my hair.
I remember a line Catherine Zeta-Jones had in America’s Sweethearts where she asks Julia Roberts, her assistant/sister, “Did we brush my teeth?” I remember nothing else from the movie but this idea always stuck with me. Yes. I am THAT lazy that I would prefer someone else to brush my teeth for me.
I would also need a driver.
Someone to make all my important calls.
Someone to do all my shopping.

(These last few things seem too obvious.)
Hmmm… what else?

Someone to read all things to me.

I should put some more thought into this. There has got to be something I want done that isn’t completely lame and pathetic.

Posted in personal | 1 Comment

日本語:And

A guy in my class today asked how to say “and” in Japanese. I’ve been thinking about it and came up with a few different ways I’ve learned so far. The best way for me to retain information is to ‘teach’ it to someone else. So, here ya go, Eric. I hope this helps.  (TAたち-さん can correct me if I’m wrong.)

links two nouns – only those things
Example: けさ、あさごはん に たまご と ベーコン を たべました。

links two nouns – those things, among others
Example: としじゃん で コンピュータ や つくえ が あります。

links oppositional clauses into one sentence – more like “but”
Example (different topics): 田中さん は ハンソム です が、山田さん しんせつ です。
Example (same topic): この レストラン は おそい です が、おいしい です。

*Note: The order of the descriptors conveys the speaker’s attitude.
とうきょう は おもしろい です が、たかい です。(seems to be a negative view)
とうきょう は たかい です が、おもしろい です。(comes across as more positive)

そして links complementary clauses – remain separate sentences
Example: トロントだいがく は おおきい です。そして きれい です。

You can use both が and そして together.
Example: アパート は ちいさい です が、やすい です。そして べんり です。

それから links two sequential actions (“and then”) – remain separate sentences
Example: えいが を みて、すし を たべました。それから タクシー で かえりました。

Posted in japan | Tagged | Leave a comment

Sick

I am so sick of this shit. I’m sick of having my thoughts hijacked, dwelling on things that shouldn’t matter. I’m sick of not being able to just get over it. I’m sick of waking up crying. I’m sick of being hurt the most by people who have no idea they’ve even hurt me. I’m sick of being so fucking angry and mistrusting and pushing everyone away and second guessing myself and other people.

Posted in personal | Tagged | Leave a comment