2016 is the year of the monkey. It’s MY year. It’s the time to make things really count.
People usually make their resolutions for January 1st. I had ideas about what I wanted to do with the new year around then too, of course, but after having a month or so to reflect, I’m using the Lunar New Year, which I celebrate anyway (sort of), to make that statement to myself. Most years, I make half-promises or vague concepts my ‘resolutions’. This year, I’m going as far as saying “I am resolved”.
Big changes have been going on within me for the past few months (Maybe year? Few years? Tough to say…), mostly in how I view things and, in turn, how I relate to other people. I am working on rectifying to opposing sides of myself: being aligned with the values I hold and worrying what other people think of me.
I don’t mean like I wouldn’t wear a dorky shirt because people might make fun of me, but more so in that I have always felt the need to explain my actions so that people aren’t left to interpret them (incorrectly) on their own. I make decisions to do with my own behaviour that some people may find unusual or not understand so I worry that they came up with some negative reason for doing it (like I’m just a bitch) and write me off because of that. This has happened. Quite a few times actually.
Up until recently, I have done my best to pre-emptively justify myself in order to avoid that. That has it’s own drawbacks. I come across as insecure and needy. And I may still be those things but the whole point is that I WANT people to come to their own conclusions about me based on what I do rather than what I say. I don’t want to feel compelled to explain. And ultimately, I want to be okay with that and stop internally worrying about what misconceptions they might have. (This is where I’ve been the past while – consciously NOT offering explanations but still agonizing over the possible reactions by myself. I think it’s cognitive training. The latter part will come with time. I hope…)
So that is part 1 of my resolutions. I refuse to offer up any justification of my behaviour unsolicited. I am quite ready and willing to give an explanation to anyone that cares enough to actually ask. But no one ever does, do they?
(*As an aside, I will say this much. If it seems my behaviour towards you has changed, whether suddenly or over time, there is a reason. Look at yourself before you just assume I’m a fickle asshole.)
Part 2 is more traditional. I’m almost 36 years old and I have spent most of my life just waiting for things to come to me. There are other changes I would like to make in regards to longterm commitment and stamina as well, of course, but the first part of the problem has always been inaction. There are so many things I want to do but just as many excuses for why I put them off. Some of them are simple, like I wanted to dye my hair green for a long time before I actually got around to it, and others are more complex and involve more planning and various steps to achieve, like learning Japanese. I can still work on those other aspects I mentioned but taking the first step seems to be the key. If I want to do something, I’m going to stop only dreaming about it and just do it (Thank you, Nike.), as much as is within my power and means to do so.
These two things aren’t something I’m putting into place only now, like ‘starting’ my new year. I’ve already been doing this to a point at least since the calendar New Year, like everyone else, and even before that. Since I’ve had all of January to see how these new things are already changing me, I can see their merit and can be assured putting more effort into both will have positive outcomes for me.